CosmicBen's Blogulous Blog

Posted 10:55 PM by Ben
As usual, not a hectic few days, but they've been heartwarming nonetheless. Lots of little moments, some that I have to kick myself to notice, but all of them "a blessing" (as I told my mom). Am I normally this sappy?

Last night was the bi-annual (or so) Summit of Marlins and Goldmans, in which my Aunt Sharon and Uncle Richard talk with my mom, my sister Carin, and me about various life issues. Carin was sleeping last night but she's still a member of the group.

Nobody else refers to it by name, but it happens every couple of years by complete accident, where someone starts the conversation and we end up talking for an hour or more, always past our bedtimes. Since we all live in different cities, I'm amazed that it still happens once in a while, and I always get a lot out of the conversation. I'm thankful for that.

This morning, I had a fulfilling 40-minute walk/talk with Carin. Then my Aunt Hedy visited for an hour, and talked with us Marlins and my Aunt Marilyn, Uncle Steve, and cousin Amanda, who are all in town. We talked about my teaching, Carin's France experience, Amanda's senioritis, Aunt Marilyn's books, and Uncle Steve's childhood. For this I am also thankful.

(The more I think about family, the more I see it as an arbitrary but completely worthwhile concept. My belief right now is that everybody benefits from having a group of some kind, whether or not they are biologically connected to one another. Seeing my family is not important because some scientist could test all of our DNA and find a link between us; it is important because these are the people I have seen on and off since I was born, and they genuinely care about me and I care about them and it's just a lot of fun when we get together.

Sometimes it is a little strained when we try to make conversation.......never in a bad way, just in a "looking for something to talk about" way.....and you might think that if the bond were stronger, there would be more to talk about. But I've come to believe that the effort solidifies the relationship more than a fluid conversation would. For a brief second I will think, "Is this worth it?" but then I realize that it completely is, because without connections between people, awkward or otherwise, family or otherwise, we are that much less fulfilled. So in trying to make those connections, we are actually making them.)

Next was a fun lunch at New York, New York (I tried to look for Evan in the big mural on the wall, but I think he was hiding inside one of the buildings). I had some good salad. Uncle Steve showed me his XM Satellite Radio, the posessing of which is now my goal in life.

Tonight was a whirlwind dinner at Bubby and Grandpa's condo. Too many relatives to name; 19 of "The 20" on my mother's side managed to make it, from Ponte Vedra, Davie, Roswell, Gainesville, and Bourges. Not a bad average, but Marissa was missed (although she made a cameo appearance on the phone). More fun bonding with cousins (especially Jon), eating way more than I should, and posing for a million pictures.

Again, not to get too sappy, but when we all sang the Hanukkah blessings together I got kind of misty-eyed. Astute readers (being Katie) are rolling their eyes right now, because I have in the past been laid-back about seeing family and nonexistent about being Jewish. So I'll rationalize it by saying that I have matured about family, and was happy and incredulous that something, religious or not, brought us together for a few unified seconds. Then off to a million different conversations, which are fine too. Meyers time is happy time for me.

The last crazy act of my mini-vacation was going over to see Jen, who just got into town from El Paso. It's been a year and a half since I've seen her, so this meant a lot to me. Six years after high school, I was amazed to be back at the Moran house, watching them celebrate Christmas, talking to her parents, seeing Jen's brother and sister and husband Mike. I try to never burn any bridges but sometimes I am genuinely surprised to be back in a familiar but long-lost setting.

I am thankful for being able to see Jen. The statement about family applies to her, too. What is the point of seeing an old friend for an hour, every 18 months? Why keep it up? Because those relationships keep me grounded and happy, connected to the past but presently surrounded (metaphorically if not physically) by people I care about. Without that hour, or monthly e-mails, or semi-annual phone calls, with Jen and other old friends, I'd be empty in a way that I don't even want to imagine. If all we had left was small talk, it would be sad but still a million times more important than small talk with someone I just met on the street. Strip everything down to the effort and you still have a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Tomorrow I head back to Gainesville and my one true love. As happy as I am about what I did in Miami, I miss that love more than anything in the world. Katie, by the time you read this, I'll be in West Palm Beach and smiling because I'll see you in a few hours.

Have a good night, all. Thanks for reading.

Posted 10:07 PM by Ben
As long as I'm making a habit of pointless updates! That sentence didn't really deserve an exclamation point! Neither did that one! The first one wasn't even a sentence. Can I have another paragraph?

Thank you. I slept on the couch last night; it was comfortable but small and most of all it was lonely. But I did manage to get some reading done. I'm now 30 pages into The Lord of the Rings.....it's my second go-round and I'm hoping to make it past page 138 this time. Wish me luck.

No real plans today. Maybe lunch with my grandpa, maybe lunch with my sister, definitely lunch in some fashion. I like having something I can count on.

Have a great day, all.

Posted 8:54 PM by Ben
So no Phil Spector. But I did get to hear some of my favorite Christmas songs: Elton John's "Step Into Christmas", Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", and especially the Kinks' "Father Christmas". These classic rock artists make careers out of being deadly serious, so it's a real trip to hear them being carefree and joyous for one song out of their lives.

The drive was six hours, but it was fun. I kept the windows down the whole way and felt the cold air. And now I'm in Miami. Had some great spaghetti, watched part of Finding Nemo with my adorable little cousins, and now I'm talking to my sister. Good times.

More updates to come. Nothing exciting, but good, solid family time. Katie, I miss you. The rest of you, have a good night.

Posted 12:17 PM by Ben
You know I'm dreading something when I sit down to update my blog. In a few minutes I embark on a six-hour drive to Miami.

Wait! I'm not really dreading that. Sorry if I fooled anyone. I get to have the windows open in the cold weather, and listen to Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift To You and smile the whole way down. Possibly my favorite cliche; I've been looking forward to it all year.

I'm pretty sure I'll be sleeping on the couch, as my cousins and aunt and uncle will be staying over. But I'm not dreading that either! Sleeping on the couch means there is someone interesting sleeping in my bed, someone who is not normally over.

The windows are open here, I just straightened and scrubbed and vacuumed and mopped, and soon I pack and leave. No work for two weeks. I feels good. I knew that I would.

So wish me luck. I wish Katie were coming along but I know I will be back soon. Have a great weekend, all.

Posted 8:27 AM by Ben
My biggest excuse for not updating this blog is that I have nothing to say, but for now I'm just going to write anyway. If it winds up sounding dumb and embarassing, I guess it'll fit in just fine.

My winter vacation started last night. It was a pretty inauspicious beginning; I went to a holiday party thrown by my mentor teacher and then fell asleep early. But that's okay. If I do nothing besides not teach for the next two weeks, the vacation will have been a sucess.

When I say things like that, Katie thinks I hate teaching. I don't. It's traumatizing and crazy and stressful when I need to plan an empty 50-minute stretch of class every day, but it's also a lot of fun. Katie asked if I want to go to law school, since teaching seems to stress me out so much.....I said that I'd rather be around 120 kids than 120 papers, even if the papers wouldn't scream at me or tamper with my windshield wipers.

That's a story, by the way, but you've all heard variations on it before and I won't get into it.

The party was fun enough. A bunch of 30-something professionals (mostly teachers) and their kids. There was an ornament exchange, which I watched, and a lot of conversation, which I watched. My biggest interactions came with the pumpkin bread and the olive relish.

I dunno. I've gotten better and better at relating with high schoolers (some might say the skill has come eight years too late), but I still had a hard time going up to adults last night and making conversation.

Oops. I just pet Mia and woke her up. I don't feel too bad, though. She woke Katie and I up a few times last night by scratching the bed, until we banished her from the bedroom. She then did a two-hour impression of a fire alarm until I finally got up and changed her litter box. She's such a little priss.

Tomorrow I head to Miami for a few days. I get to see my sister Carin, who is home from France, and most of my extended family. I am very excited about this! But at the same time I feel terrible about leaving Katie, who has to work.

It's a strange shift; we used to go weeks without seeing each other, but now a few days apart will feel like I'm losing a vital limb. I think that's a good thing, and I know that as much fun as I have in Miami I'll be back here annoying her soon enough.

Two weeks without work. I don't hate teaching, but God it will feel good to sleep until 6:01 if I goddamn well feel like it.

Holiday shopping today, cards and gifts. I have no idea what I'm getting or who I'm getting it for. Have a great day, all. Revel in the winter, because the air is electric and cold memories are always more epic than sweltering ones.

Posted 8:11 PM by Ben
I'm not ready to concede that this blog was a memento of my summer, but it's certainly been a while since I've updated. Aside from random craziness at school, most of my days have been the same. Pleasant, happy, and relaxing, filled with teaching and Katie and our cat Mia.

....oh, I forgot, Katie and I are engaged now! That's a pretty big happy deal.

Maybe I'm inspired to update because I travelled back to the summer today and it was a blast. I went back to Ivey's Grill as a dishwasher, filling in over Thanksgiving weekend because most of the real employees are out of town.

I walked in the door and one of the waitresses said, "Welcome home!", which felt great. They thought I was just visiting and did a double-take when I put on an apron and headed for the dish room.

It had only been a few months since I'd washed dishes there, but those few months have been a gigantic psychological divide between my college life and my new professional life. Still, I did a great job remembering how to do everything and fitting into the old role.

I really missed it. I can't go back, and my life has since taken me to the magical, scary world of Eastside High School. Still, there is something so enticing about washing dishes for minimum wage, working my arse off, listening to music, getting chapped hands, bantering with everybody, and leaving it all behind me when I go home, feeling filthy and refreshed.

I got to be the butt of Rick's crude sexual insults; I was able to talk to Mandy and Ryan and annoy Heather and talk music with Ed; most importantly, I was able to be great at something instead of great-in-training. For whatever reason, they value me at Ivey's and it's a very gratifying feeling. Much of my work experience has consisted of me being a step behind everybody else.

Maybe you can't go home again, but you can still work a summer job now and then? The next two days should be muscle-wracking and fun, and then I go back to "the real world" that I yearned for after five years of school and low-level jobs.

Happy late Thanksgiving, all.

Posted 8:01 PM by Ben
I should have realized my happiness yesterday was a sham.....or at least short-lived.

Katie and I were on our way to the car this morning; I was going to take her to her yoga class and then we were going to get produce at Ward's. Exciting!

Then Katie notices that I have a flat tire. She leaves for yoga, warning me, "Call Triple-A -- don't try to change this yourself!" Bless 'er, she knows me well.

I've never changed a tire before, but I've always seen it as some manly right of passage. She didn't want my manly right of passage to fall on me and put me in a manly wheelchair for the rest of my life. Understandable.

But I had to change it. Shrewd CosmicBen fans probably see this as the point where my day starts to go wrong. Anyone who's seen my wobbly CD rack knows I could wreak unimaginable havoc with a two-ton driving machine.

Like I said, though, I had to change it. And it went well! It took a sweaty, greasy hour, but soon the spare tire was on and the flat tire was in the trunk. I am now that much more of a man.

I washed up and went to Firestone and asked them what had happened to my tire. Now the crappy part. There were four nails in my tire, all lined up in a neat row. No accident.

And where had I driven this weekend? Home from Eastside High School. That is all.

I feel mad and betrayed and scared. I've put up with psychological trauma since day one at that place, but now I am losing money and time on my days off. I should not have to put up with vandalism simply because I work there. Apparently there are security guards, but they obviously weren't where they were supposed to be.

If this is the consequence of working at a lower-class high school, then it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be the consequence of working anywhere.

I hope it was random. But I can think of any number of delinquent pissants who might have done this to my tire. And I fucking hate being at their mercy, just because they can't stand being disciplined.

I'll talk to the principal tomorrow. Hopefully he can figure something out. Meanwhile, after months of being yelled at, made fun of, and cursed at, four nails have made me temporarily disillusioned with the teaching profession.

Have a good night, all.

Posted 9:04 PM by Ben
A month without updating my blog. If Evan or Rachel or Rich or Will ever did that, I'd resent them because I enjoy reading their journals so much, even knowing that they don't owe me any entertainment.

My excuse is that I've been busy and tired. Wonder of wonders, I got the teaching job -- I've been teaching 11th grade English at Eastside High School in Gainesville. It's not exactly inner-city but most of my students are African-American kids from the poorer sections of Gainesville.

It's been a mixed experience. All of the teachers and administrators and custodians have been nice to me. The school is a comfortable half-hour drive away, during which I mentally relax and listen to Captain Rick's Morning Cruise on Fun 102.7.

My students are fun to interact with, and while I don't feel that I've challenged them yet, I think we're done some provocative and creative activities in class.

But man, they wear on me. After the honeymoon period of the first few days, a few of them started heckling me every day and some haven't stopped yet. They know I'm new, and they're pushing me as far as they can.

I've written about forty referrals, and they have only come after a) multiple incidents of talking or b) single incidents of cursing me out, threatening me, or skipping my lunch detentions. Forty. I don't even know if they had referrals at the high school I went to.

It's frustrating. Even the nice ones won't. stop. talking. for. anything. Ever. My main advice for new teachers is: "Don't assume any student is your friend until after you have tried to discipline him or her." On being assigned a detention, even the nicest student will yell at me like I just killed her mother.

I'm getting it under control, slowly. They won't defeat me, and I will teach them. It's going to take a few more months, but I am going to be great at this. And like I said, there are priceless moments that I don't think you will find in any other profession:

--The half-crazy student who loudly makes fun of my shoes but barrels into my room during lunch to eat with me.

--Good students who come to my lunch detentions just for the atmosphere.

--Students asking me how my day is going.

--My second period, too tired to be bad and always willing to participate in class activities. Especially the girl who raps her 7-minute writings to the class.

--My sixth period driving me crazy but being so warm and happy that I can't help looking forward to them every afternoon.

--Hearing them talk about their lives when they share 7-minute writings. What fascinating kids.

So I can tell it's going to be great. But it's still wearing me down every night. I honestly look forward to sleep like it's a trip to Disney World. I get eight hours every night, not so much because I need it but because I want to spend a large chunk of my day doing something that excites me.

I'm loving my home life. Much of it is spent planning and grading papers, but it's still so unbelievably comfortable. Katie has really turned our new apartment into a home. And she's been such a positive presence for me.

Just eating dinner with her -- first on the kitchen floor, now on our *dining room table* -- or talking to her or hugging her or watching her wash her face before bed.....those little things bring me so much joy. Maybe I've gotten old and boring before my time, but I feel so warm when I'm around her.

Mia the cat is a blast. She sleeps with us most nights and plays with me when I come home. She's not much for physical affection but she is always near us. Tonight she tried to hang out in our salad during dinner.

I was looking for equilibrium this summer -- as tough as my job is, when I am about to fall asleep at night with Katie next to me and Mia resting by my feet, I feel as peaceful and happy as I could ever hope to.

I never had crazy teenage years, so maybe it's a good thing that I'm embracing adulthood with as much effort and maturity as I can possibly muster.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I will try to update again soon but I just don't have the energy most nights. Good luck in your lives, and e-mail me anytime at CosmicBen@aol.com.

Posted 11:53 PM by Ben
Two important lessons learned today:

1) Sometimes you get what you want, but you have to be patient about it. When I left Ivey's Grill fifteen days ago, nobody made a big deal about my last day. Sure, Ed the line cook dumped a huge pile of manure on my car, but that was in response to my smearing ketchup on his steering wheel. Not really a goodbye thing.

Rick, my boss, said goodbye but seemed more interested in seeing my reaction to the manure. That's understandable. It was a big, smelly pile, and I had to push it onto the ground and then get the car washed. But leaving my favorite worksite ever felt very anticlimactic.

Rick had offered Katie and I a free dinner if I got a teaching job, so we took him up on it today. We showed up and Rick's wife (and my other boss) Stephanie came over and chatted with us for a while.

I ordered a tasty tempeh salad and an amazing cup of chilled cucumber soup. Katie made my day by loving her spinach ravioli -- I've figured out that Ivey's has the best food in Gainesville, but this was the first time she was really convinced. We finished the meal with some fluffy chocolate chip scones.

Everyone was really nice and seemed happy to see me. I went back and gave Rick and Stephanie a Dave Brubeck CD and a letter thanking them for the summer. Rick shook my hand and cracked some jokes with me. Earlier, on the phone, he'd said they missed me and were sorry I had to go. I gave Stephanie a hug and told them teaching horror stories.

The free meal was incredibly generous and one of the best meals we've ever had. I'm going to miss Ivey's a lot, even though I know we'll be eating there every once in a while. More importantly, though, I got my closure and I feel good about it.

2) Sometimes, you've gotta take your cat to the vet. Mia got her rabies vaccine this morning and had been tired for the rest of the day. When Katie and I got home from dinner, Katie noticed that Mia was especially sluggish. She seemed unwilling to move her hind legs or do anything besides stare at us through glazed eyes.

Katie was freaking out and wanted to take her to the emergency vet. I didn't want to set a precedent of shelling out money every time Mia sneezes funny. Katie won, and I have to admit that Mia did look pretty bad.

Turns out she has a fever. The doctor gave her anti-fever medication and she seems better already. It even turns out that the visit was free, since our vet co-owns the night clinic and the fever was a reaction to the rabies vaccine she got this morning. I'm glad we took her in, and I learned a lesson from it.

So that was my night. Thanks for checking back even though it's been a few weeks since I've updated. Teaching has been okay -- a lot of good times interspersed with several traumatizing times. I think next week will be better, but I need to plan like hell.

Have a good night. Thanks for reading.

Posted 9:01 PM by Ben
Sorry it's been a while since I last updated. Thanks for the letters of congratulation -- that means you, Iris and Steve :).

The job is going great so far. This week is pre-planning, so next week is the big deal. Everyone has been incredibly nice to me and I have a great classroom. I'm excited, if also nervous. My classroom has been nice as a quiet, solitary place, but I know that can't last.

I'm an Eastside Ram! Woo! Gonna buy the tee-shirt and everything.

Katie and I are settled into the new apartment, and I am loving it (I'm sure it is strange to read all this, but I assure you I am the same guy who wrote all those other blog entries). We have a comfortable bed and just got a washer and dryer.

We also added a member to the family today. Mia Skemp-Marlin is too busy hiding behind the ironing board to say hi, but she's the cutest little grey cat I've ever seen. I'm sure she'll be less anti-social tomorrow.

Sorry that this is relentlessly cutesy. I'm feeling good now -- at least until Monday, I've found the equilibrium I searched for all summer. I hope everyone else feels just as good. Thanks for reading.

Posted 10:17 PM by Ben
I got the job.

I got the job.

I got the job.

Do you want details? I spent all day at work calling my voicemail to see if Alachua County had left a message for me. No dice. My mood got worse and worse and I got increasingly more frustrated with the whole thing.

I finished at 4:30 and tried checking my messages again. It didn't work, so I called Alachua County, who told me that Eastside High hadn't made their decision yet. Still alive.

I checked my messages again. This time it worked but the mailbox was cluttered with old messages. It asked if I wanted to delete message 16, which I assumed was old. I deleted it.

On a whim, I ran through my messages again. Turns out message sixteen -- now inaccessible to me, gone forever -- was from Eastside High School. I frantically called Eastside, where I was vaguely told that I probably had the job. They promised to call me back as soon as they knew.

More waiting. I called Eastside at 5 and nobody picked up. Presumably they'd all gone home. This is the same school that's made me wait an hour and forty minutes for an interview and scheduled another interview without telling me. Disappointed but not surprised, I gave up for the day.

At 5:30 I was talking to my mom when a call came through. "Ben, you're it." I was put through to the principal, who asked if I'd put on my game face and come through for the team. I said I would.

::Deep breath:: I'll go into the lessons I've learned next time around. For now, I feel good and can sleep easy tonight. Thanks for your prayers, thanks for reading, and have a good night.

Posted 11:08 PM by Ben
A crazy, crazy day. First off, thanks to Evan and Rachel for coming up on Sunday and visiting. It was great seeing both of them -- I appreciate the food, the Wu-Tang DVD, and especially the advice and general talking. Two wonderful people.

So this was a big day. My second interview at Eastside High. They said they liked me a lot. They showed me around and previewed some textbooks for me. They said they'd make their decision by the end of the day. Of course, they were full of crap. But that's okay. There's always tomorrow.

I got everyone's hopes up at work. Even I was dancing around, thinking I was hired for sure. And I still might be! But I am back into The Waiting and that is just the shittiest part.

Was that a Tom Petty reference? Fuck Tom Petty. He went to Howard Bishop Middle School and Howard Bishop Middle School didn't want to hire me. My web of hatred is growing. I'm even conjuring up a mild dislike for Kevin Bacon, and that's sure to get worse.

After the interview I raced to work, changed in the car, availed myself of the facilities at Publix (as Katie's mom would say, Too Much Information!), and dishwashed for the rest of the day. Thanks to my short haircut, I have been renamed Seargent Suds. Whether this is a step up from SuperBen, Defender of the Dishroom has yet to be seen.

Actually, I appreciate the nicknames -- they mean people are thinking about me. I stick out in some way and that can't be bad.

After work, I met Katie at my apartment. She's the newest resident of Gainesville. Today was the end of the long distance phase of our relationship. RIP 6/20/00 - 8/4/03. I made the six-hour trip to Miami at least 30 times since the fall of 2000, and she made the trip up plenty too. No more. I guess this is pretty historic.

We're not at the new apartment yet, but she's sleeping in my bed right now. I couldn't be happier about it :).

Her parents took us to a really nice dinner at Leonardo's 706 here in Gainesville. And I saw our new apartment for the first time. It's going to be a blast living there.

Pray for my employment. Many thanks to Tricia, who has been praying in my favor for a while.

Have a good night, everyone. Tomorrow I get the job. I just know it. I've gotten my hopes up enough and tomorrow it is going to happen. Sleep well and thanks for reading.

Posted 9:31 PM by Ben
So tired. I have no energy or motivation with which to do anything. Not necessarily sad, just completely wiped. After tomorrow I get two days off, and I'm fine with that.

Nothing to say. My fingers are too tired to type, anyway. Have a good night, everyone.

Posted 8:16 AM by Ben
A crazy day yesterday, one of those "count my blessings" kind of days that severely impedes my ability to whine all the time. Highlights:

--A good dream before I woke up. In the dream, my dad got me the VHS version of the DVD I want for graduation. I was grateful but kind of unhappy about it. Later, it turned out that he was just kidding and had really gotten me the DVD version. I love my dad!

--A bad dream before I woke up. In the dream, I picked up my phone and was in the middle of a conference call between all the principals in Alachua County. They were reviewing my file, and each one was going, "Ehh.....not too great...I'll pass on this one." Later I ended up in a meeting with all of them, and they were grilling me about mistakes I've made in the past. I was frantically trying to defend myself. Kind of traumatizing.

--A typically fun day at work. Lots of running around and cleaning things. My boss Rick dumped some flour on my head, and I was able to immediately come back with, "Hey, now my hair looks like your hair!" I was proud; no Calvin-and-Hobbes-esque waiting period between the insult and the brilliant comeback.

--Amazing tofu and veggie dish for lunch on my break.

--When I got home, a call from Eastside High School! They want a second interview! I'm still in it, baby! This is huge news. I have already started mapping out my non-teaching year, but this gives me another chance.

--Two episodes of Friends on my new DVD. I can't stop watching.

--A nice talk with Katie. This probably has the biggest effect on my good mood.

--A nice talk with my dad.

--A nice talk with my friend Jenny, who is trapped for six days in a scientific study. We were both excited about my moving in with Katie next week.

--A walk with my sister, who rollerbladed while I gimped around on my flat feet. As usual, a good philosophical talk and some needed fresh air.

--A good talk with my old friend Eric. He's moving soon, too.

--An enjoyable, in-depth online chat with my friend Will. He's got a job interview today!

--An enjoyable, in-depth online chat with my friend Tricia. She's adjusting to her new home in Jacksonville.

--Another nice talk with Katie. That's the best way to go to sleep happy.

And this morning, I found out I'd been parodied (in a good way) on my best friend Evan's Livejournal (http://www.livejournal.com/users/geckoboy). It was a real kick to see.

So, you say, this was boring for you? A bunch of details and people you don't know or care about? That's okay. I finally had a great day and was reminded that I am surrounded by awesome people, wherever they might live. So I feel good. Cross your fingers for me, and thanks for reading.

Posted 8:28 PM by Ben
I wiped the fuck out at work today. The day was almost over, and I was returning to the dishroom with an empty silverware rack. The mats were off the floor and I was taking tiny steps. But it didn't work.

My feet flew out from under me and kicked a wine bottle under the Coke dispenser. I landed flat on my back and only nicked my head, thank God. Adding insult to injury, there was water dripping on my face through a crack in the roof.

It was a classic wipe-out; like, if I'm going to fall AND not die in the process, then this is as cool as it could have been. I cracked up, stretched out my aches, and stood up again. As fun as it was, though, I didn't go near that area of the restaurant until I left for the day.

Life has been......better. I'm still trying to get a job but I have stopped worrying about it so much. Life will go on, either way. I can only stress out so many weeks about whether anybody has left a message on my voicemail while I was at work. It was eroding away at my whole life, and I can't go on forever like that.

I've developed an unhealthy bitterness towards the educational system. I don't want to think about the names of principals whom I called repeatedly, sent resumes to, and interviewed with ad nauseum, only to be rejected by all of them. I hate them.

I don't want to hear the words "Levy County" because it has only existed for me as a source of employment opportunities that didn't work out. I'm happy for my friends that have jobs but I don't want to think too much about them being in classrooms while I'm doing.....whatever I'm doing.

The bitterness doesn't consume me and I don't think it affects the other aspects of my life. It's a tiny little thing that comes up when I flash on the name of a principal or hear the local classic rock station talk about how their signal stretches into Levy County. I just don't want to hear about it.

Somehow this has also convinced me that I'm not a good teacher. Through words or body language, I'm doing a great job convincing principals of this "fact". And I'm starting to believe it.

It's been months since my internship and while it wasn't a bed of roses, I know I did some great things there. I really enjoyed a lot of it. And I was incredibly excited about being a teacher. I still am, it's just buried under something else. And it's something that's going to take some time to dig through and make peace with.

Maybe I'll have a job within a week. Maybe I won't teach for a year. Maybe my life will take a bizarre turn and do something I can't even comprehend right now. That's cool!

Katie shows up at 3 a.m. tonight/tomorrow morning. She's driving up after work. Even if I'm comatose, it'll be nice knowing she's next to me. I hope I don't snore too loud, or that she's too tired to notice. As always, though, I'm grateful for her company. Good luck with the drive, pookie.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading, be happy, be safe (whoever you are -- if you're reading this, I like you and wish you well).

Posted 6:38 PM by Ben
Last night was fun. I went to the Mellow Mushroom with Jenny and we talked for a while. I probably monopolized the conversation and whined a lot. For her part, she was a great listener. We found common ground on some of our problems and tried to come up with solutions. It was more productive than most whine-fests I've inflicted on people lately.

Later on, she and my sister Carin and I went to Publix and got some groceries. I was quiet, as I usually am in threes, so they bonded over various trips to Europe. "When you were in Prague, did you stay at--" "The Boathouse?" "Yes! BEST HOSTEL EVER!" I had nothing to contribute, but it was fun to listen to.

Still no job. I was really hoping to be a teacher this year, but maybe I have the rest of my life for that? I will stay afloat, even if I need some help from my parents.....I also might have to dip into my savings. As Jenny pointed out, that's what it's there for.

I promised Katie that she could do grad school without worrying about working too hard on the side. I'm still going to make that happen, even if I don't teach.

So my life isn't going how I'd planned. I know this is just a lesson to learn from. Everybody goes through it. So I hope I slip out of this sadness soon.

Have a good night, everyone.

Posted 10:49 PM by Ben
I'm still a downer and I don't have many interesting things to talk about. That's why I haven't written much lately. Thanks for checking, in any case.

No job yet. Almost all of my Proteach buddies have their own classrooms, and I'm still hanging by the telephone. There's still a good chance I'll be hired, but I'm slowly building myself up for the possibility that I won't.

I'll certainly feel like a failure for a while, even though everyone will reassure me that I'm not. If this summer is any indication, I'll have happy moments but will spend most of my time with a blank expression on my face.

I'll keep my current job or find one that pays a little better. Maybe I'll substitute teach. I might have to borrow money from my parents. I'll do my best to avoid thinking about my old classmates. If I'm nice, I'll think happy thoughts about them.

I'll be living with Katie, so wherever I am I'll have something great to come home to. But there's a big chance that my lack of a real job will consume us. We're not going to starve, I'm not going to become a jerk.......circumstances are just going to be really hard to overcome.

I know we are strong enough people to overcome them, so I hope we do what is necessary. In a way, misery is comfortable. It's something you can easily get stuck in, and we're going to have to fight past it.

I don't want to sound like a tortured soul. I'm certainly not one. I'm healthy and surrounded by nice people who care about me, which in a sense is all I need. I love my dishwashing job and I've had some great talks lately with my parents and sister and friends. Music and good food still makes me giddy.

It's just been a weird summer. I have invested so much time into becoming a teacher and now I might not become one. I place so much importance in being happy in my relationship with Katie, and when we are not happy I just lag through life with a trembling sense of defeat. Combined, those two things overwhelm any sense of happiness I might have.

So you get journal entries like this. I can't figure out if I'm a whiny suburban kid who doesn't realize how good he's got it. Or if I'm an undemanding suburban kid who has built a comfortable, seemingly predictable like for himself and now sees it crumbling down around him. Or if I'm just some guy going through the same troubles that everybody else does at some point, troubles that can cripple me or make me stronger, depending on how I handle them. Time will tell.

Until time tells, though, I'll probably sound a lot like this. I hope you stick with me.

Posted 9:04 PM by Ben
It's been a while since I've written; sorry about that. I've been pretty low lately, although there are good moments. No job yet. A few weeks till school starts.

I know someone will call me but it is so disappointing getting home from work and having no messages on my voicemail. At least I'm at work all day instead of waiting for the phone to ring.

Wonder of wonders, work has been my favorite place lately. It gets me out of the apartment. When I come home I don't do anything. I'm sure there are things to do but I'm never in the mood.

At work I get to run around, eat good food, and listen to classic rock radio. I never used to understand people who escape to their jobs, but it kind of makes sense now. Maybe sometimes that's the most worthwhile part of your existence.

I've been a downer lately and it really bothers me. I don't want to inflict my problems on the people around me. But it's all I've been able to talk about, and I'm not sure how to stop.

I never want to be Mr. Gloom and Doom. If I complain (and I do, plenty), I like it to be in a humorous way that shows I understand that life is not that bad. If I recognize the crappy parts of my life, I want to be equally aware of the great things.

Lately, that's slipped away. Mostly because of a stupid job that's just not happening. I hate that it's gotten the best of me so quickly.

Sigh. I hope life is good for everyone. It's good for me too.....I've just hard a hard time realizing it.

Posted 10:01 PM by Ben
Sorry not much written lately. Life good enough. No job yet. Nice visit with Katie. Summer job going well; getting sick from eating too many croutons at work but they're so good. Realizing I stole this method of writing from Will's latest journal entry (http://www.disclaimerband.com/journal.html). Have a good night, everyone :).

Posted 2:04 PM by Ben
So I drove down to Miami for the weekend. Not sure if it counts as "home" anymore but it's still great.

I took I-75, then the Turnpike, and then cheated Florida out of $7.40 by taking I-95 half of the way. It's the populist, working man's highway. Stopped at McDonalds in Ft. Pierce to feed my McGriddle addiction. Mmmmm.....

Yesterday my dad and I took my mom and Bubby (my grandma) to Miami International Airport. They left for a one-week cruise that set sail today from Barcelona. Go them.

As for me, I was excited enough being in the airport. If I don't go anywhere cool and foreign, at least I can sit here and watch cool foreign people as they come to my city.

Last night there were fireworks a few blocks from my house, so my dad and I sat in our patio and watched. There was something very epic about it, being out in the humid summer air watching a fireworks display with my dad. One of those rare moments of feeling connected to the world, which I appreciate.

This morning was a true adventure. More McGriddles with my dad, then we went on a garage sale hunt. We ended up hitting nine garage sales, which must be a record.

I bought 12 cassette tapes for three dollars total, including selections from AC/DC, Madonna, Sting, Elton John, Billy Joel, and Bruce Springsteen (including his big hit, "Drivin' Down I-95 (The Rich Man's Turnpike Ain't For Me)"). Plus three late-period Kool & The Gang albums. Don't ask why, I don't know.

I might have stolen a CD. I'm not sure. At garage sale #7 we were walking back to the car and passed three CD's sitting in the grass, dirty, with no jewel cases or liner notes.

Two of them were Tori Amos, which I left on the ground. The third was Coldplay's Parachutes, which I took home. Did it belong to anyone? Why was it laying out in the grass? Maybe I'll never know. I do feel somewhat bad.

Now there's nothing to do. But that's fine. I feel good and I hope you do too.

Happy birthday, Will!!!!

Posted 10:27 PM by Ben
A topsy-turvy day; it's been hard to figure out.

I got to work only to find out that I had ruined a pan yesterday. I had attacked it with a metal scrubber and completely destroyed the non-stick surface.

My boss was nice about it but clearly disappointed. I offered to pay for it but he wouldn't have that. I tried to explain, "I was trying to clean the heck out of it!"

"You did! You cleaned the shit out of it. You made it shine!"

I mostly avoided him the rest of the day. People mysteriously get fired at the restaurant now and then and I'm suddenly petrified that I'm next. It's probably irrational but I'm really worried.

When I got home I was able to set up an interview at a local middle school, and I got a call from a high school in the next county. And I'm waiting on the high school I'd interviewed at on Monday. Things are looking up in that department.

I got home and Katie went to work. We haven't been able to talk much today but hopefully she will call later.

Solipsism and depressing thoughts, as far down as you can read. I don't mean to be a whiner but it's been a weird summer for emotions, what with two job searches, school ending, and being apart from Katie.

My neutral moments are sadder than they used to be, and I'm trying to figure out why. On the other hand, there have been moments of extreme happiness: spending time with Katie, hanging out with Evan, being at work, seeing my classmates outside of school. Neither emotion lasts very long.

Thanks for reading thus far, and have a good night.

Posted 7:24 PM by Ben
Lots of "ZUH?" this week. Six straight days of work, enough to make me worthy of listening to all those Bruce Springsteen records. It's physically exhausting, nonstop running around and carrying dishes.

While I'm there, I love it! When I get home I stare at the wall and fall asleep at 10:30. It's a weird trade-off but it feels good for now.

I had an interview this morning at Williston High School, a very driveable 18 miles away. I think it went well! It lasted an hour and ten minutes, most of which consisted of the principal talking.

I like the principal. I like the school. I have no idea how a good interview is supposed to go but this might have been a decent approximation of one. I'll know at the end of the week. Wish me luck.

Katie and I haven't been able to talk much lately. I work days, she works evenings, she calls after midnight and I speak from behind an impenetrable fog, we hang up and I go back to sleep. E-mails are fine but they really don't cut it. I miss her.

I did have a nice talk with my friend Vanessa today. And I might go shopping with Jenny and her boyfriend Elliot tonight.

Congratulations to Steve Knowlton; he and his wife Jessica are expecting a new critic in a few months. He/she is going to be a lucky little music snob. Every baby should have parents who are so nice (I don't know Jessica but I know she's nice by association). The best to all of them.

So life is pretty good. I hope the same is true for you, whoever you are. Have a good night, thanks for reading.

Posted 9:23 PM by Ben
Maybe I couldn't do this for the rest of my life. I've spent the last two hours sleeping and the two before that feeling comatose. My muscles ache and I just don't want to move. I'm not saying I have it as bad as a coal miner or something -- I'm just not used to 7 1/2 of nonstop running around and lifting things.

It's such a weird feeling, staring at the walls with a paranoid look on my face and nothing going through my head. I feel like an insect just peering around the room waiting for something to happen. There's a level where thoughts are happening -- hence the blog entry -- and an even bigger level that is in a constant state of "ZUH?".

Not sure what it all means...I just hope it doesn't happen every night. Thanks for reading, and I hope your night is more productive than mine (even napping would qualify).

Posted 7:50 PM by Ben
A good day at work today.......it seemed to last longer than usual but was still fun. The restaurant gets progressively busier through the week and today was hectic.

It didn't help that I reached into the sink for a metal dish and burnt myself. It felt like I wouldn't have any fingerprints left on three of my fingers; there was just this instant scalding pain.

In true martyr form, I let out a silent scream and jumped up and down as hard as I could. Nobody noticed, since I work back in the pit. Oh well. I always lightly touch pots and pans at first, but this was just a plate. I should have known it was an evil one.

A few minutes later I whacked my head on the coffee mug rack. Again, the martyr-ific "I'm okay!" before the pain even had time to register. I just don't want to make a fuss, or maybe I'm just afraid that nobody will make a fuss over me.

But a productive day and now I'm too tired to move. Katie, good luck at work tonight -- I hope it goes quickly and that the tipouts are lucrative. I'm going to have some soymilk and sit in my room until I fall asleep.

Posted 7:40 PM by Ben
Life has been good to me lately, so I shall repay It and write about It in my blog. My days are lasting longer and I'm not stressing every second over the fact that principals aren't breaking down my door slobbering over the prospect of me teaching at their schools.

Work is a blast. It was a point of contention between me and my sister about whether I should have applied at the restaurant where she is waitressing. In any case, I hope she knows how great this job has been for me and how much I appreciate the opportunity I've received.

The seven hours fly by because the work is constant but not overbearing and the people are nice. Today was my first day washing all the dishes by myself and I did great.

Once I get off my butt I actually enjoy work. Cleaning old food off of plates, taking out the trash, getting drenched with garbage water....none of it bothers me at all. I feel like I'm actually contributing to society. I don't find employed people imposing anymore. I still tip well at restaurants but no longer out of an unemployed guilt.

This past weekend was also awesome. I drove 2 1/2 hours to Sanford and met Katie working at Bennigan's. It was so cool seeing her in her working element. She hostessed for a while and talked to me when things weren't busy.

We spent the next 18 hours together, eating pancakes, playing with her dog, seeing Finding Nemo. 18 hours is miniscule, even for us, but our schedules are packed this summer. For what it's worth, every minute made me happy.

Then a half-hour drive to Evan's in Orlando. We had the same day we always have, and not many things are better than spending time with my best friend (aww....). We talked more than usual and cracked up at in-jokes old and new. And stuffed our faces with two dinners, but that's a given. It's not our old record of four Steak-n-Shake visits in one weekend, but it was still stomach-ache worthy.

It's profoundly depressing that my favorite people in the world live hours away. But time spent with them is still absolutely worth any trip I have to make.

And what do you know, the principal of Williston High School called this afternoon. I have an interview on Monday. Wish me luck, and have a great night. Thanks for reading.

Posted 6:14 PM by Ben
No job yet, but I won't bring anyone down. It was a good day.

I started my other job, the summer dishwashing thing, this morning. I got trained by the outgoing dishwasher, Rory, who will also be helping me tomorrow. Then I'm on my own. It will be stressful handling all of the dishwashing on my own, but everybody at the restaurant works hard and they're nice enough that I want to fit in. I'm excited about this thing.

This weekend I am travelling to Orlando where I will see Katie and Evan on separate days. I'm looking forward to seeing Katie because, well, it brings me more happiness than anything else in the world. I hope our day together lasts forever. And Evan and I will get to joke around like the old days. He's going to the White Stripes concert Saturday night dressed as Meg (I've never heard their music but I imagine he will be pretty funny to look at in any case).

I spent seven hours today on my feet and I want to collapse. But I might shower and get some Hungry Howie's All-You-Can-Eat. I value Howie Bread more than my own health.

Have a great night, everyone. Thanks for reading.

Posted 9:18 PM by Ben
The latest chapter in the Downer Chronicles...

The job thing (or lack thereof) is still killing my mood. Today should have been a celebration -- my last day of college, ever -- but I was tense and shaky the whole time despite being surrounded by friends and even my own sense of accomplishment.

I think it's the job thing. If it's not, that would be kind of scary. Everything else in my life seems to be going well. Why am I so consistently miserable?

It's been a day of transitions. My last college class, the end of my Master's program. My last day with all of the Proteach gang. We went to Friday's tonight after class and I stared at the table while everyone else drank and joked around.

At one point they were jokingly pressuring me to drink, egging me on good-naturedly... One of them pretended I had already agreed to a drink, and I was so close to screaming that I never said that and I just did not want to have a fucking drink. I guess that would have been the end of the affable, even-tempered facade I (sincerely) affect for them and everyone else. I held back and smiled.

I'm going to miss them. I even got some hugs tonight. Back in my high school youth group I would get depressed if I didn't hug a few girls at each get-together, because that's how the culture was and I was affection-starved. There's no hugging in Proteach, though, because I guess we're all older and more nervous around each other. But the goodbye hugs were appreciated and I'm going to be sad not seeing them every day.

Tomorrow begins my dishwashing job at Ivey's Grill. I hope I'm good enough and don't gum up the system by being slow or clumsy. Other than that I am excited. Manual labor will do me good.

It's been an easy summer semester but I am nonetheless drained. Maybe the workload was harder than I thought. I know I'm missing Katie a lot tonight. It's going to be so much better when she's here with me every day. And I think my job stress will continue until I find something.

Once again, sorry if I brought anyone down. Soon I'll be happy and won't even remember this phase, but for now it stinks. In any case, thanks for reading and have a happy, safe night.

Posted 4:16 PM by Ben
Now it's become less and less funny that I'm nervous about this job thing. I'm sure I'll look back and realize I really overdid the worrying and that it's only been a few weeks but for now it all feels crushingly real. I'm sitting here slightly shaking and just staring at the phone, wishing it would ring. It's really kind of pathetic. I've sent resumes to schools, made follow-up calls, and now I'm going through what seems to be the worst part.

I hate stress. It causes a strange, brief pain in my stomach, not an intense one but unmistakeable nevertheless. It gets me shakey and sad and scared.

I try to avoid stress so meticulously and that's why I hate times like this. I'm not sure if the Ocala principal will want me; he lets me know today or tomorrow. I really want a job in Alachua County, where I will be living next year. But I've been told not to hold out for that. I don't want to be the only person in my program who hasn't found employment. Feh.

Sorry this is such a downer. I try to make this journal an accurate reflection of my feelings and lately, for various reasons, they've all run at around this level.

Posted 2:47 PM by Ben
How bored am I? So bored that I just checked to see if I'd recently updated my own blog. What a surprise, I hadn't.

So bored I jump every time I get an e-mail, even if I know it's junkmail.

Dying for dinnertime to come. Right now I'd settle for early-bird, senior citizen 4:00 dinner. Just an hour and fifteen minutes to go.

No calls yet. My strategy of staring at the phone hasn't worked. Maybe my power just needs time to warm up.

Posted 12:18 PM by Ben
Dear Sir or Madam,

Whilst you have been perusing my Blogulous Blog (tm), perhaps you might also work for a school in Alachua, Marion, or Levy Counties. Perhaps this school might be a "middle school" of some sort. Perhaps you might hold the position of "admini-strator" and have some sway over the process of hiring new teachers.

This indeed would be a fortuitous situation for the both of us. As you might well be aware, I am in the process of trying to find a position as a Language Arts teacher in the aforementioned counties. Despite what you might have previously read about my recent adventure with Captain Morgan's Rum, I believe I am eminently qualified for the position. Any position. Any school. One of those three counties. Doesn't even have to be two counties. One is just fine.

I'm presently in the process of "going nuts" waiting for employers to call me back. I know I will be a great teacher.

HIRE ME!!!!!

Ahem. If you happen to be so inclined, of course.

Many thanks,

Benjamin "Desperate, but not in the pathetic way" Marlin

Posted 7:26 PM by Ben
Okay, I hate drunk stories just as much as you do........and I'm not even drunk.....but I'm something.....and I suppose it's worth recording here. Yeah.

I got home from class, still in a daze from the seemingly unimpressive interview. I decided to make myself a rare drink of Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay Rum and a little pineapple juice. And it was good. And since then I've been woozy. Not drunk. But given my incredibly low tolerance, I'm something.

It felt good flopping around for a while, saying nonsensical things. I could barely move. If Katie were here she'd say I was faking it, but I think that's only half the case.

Anyway, one drink later it's making me sick to even think about alcohol. My stomach feels weird. Back on the wagon for me again. But it was fun.

Posted 11:34 AM by Ben
Today was my first job interview for a teaching position. I think it went okay. It was in Ocala, a 40-minute drive away but that didn't bother me.

I wasn't exactly bubbly and personable. I never am when I meet somebody for the first time. I tried to be professional and friendly but I think that faded into the usual unnoticeable thing that, most of the time, is Ben. He asked me to rate my sense of humor on a 1-10 scale and I said "10"....knowing how I am in awkward situations he must have thought I was nuts.

I tried to be honest while still presenting a good image of myself. I wonder if he even remembers that I was there this morning. Not complaining; I've come to accept the kind of impression I make on people. I'm not wild and crazy. I didn't stick in his mind.

Maybe I'm wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong. He looked at my portfolio for a long time and gave me time to ask him questions. On the other hand, I e-mailed him afterward asking, "Why is ********* a great school to work at?" and I got a one-line response. He doesn't sound too enthusiastic, although it's hard to tell over the computer.

Sometimes I'm a downer just so the final outcome won't seem so bad. I hope that's the case here. Maybe he was really impressed. I know I'm going to be a great teacher but I wish I could sell myself better.

Posted 4:24 PM by Ben
For those who'd like an update..............I'm feeling good now! Great, even. Katie is here. I know that shouldn't be the end-all, be-all and I should learn to be happy no matter what. But that's just how I operate for now. I feel relaxed and goofy and there's a smile on my face.

A shout-out to Tricia, who is a great friend and loves chocolate-chip pancakes. Sorry I haven't mentioned you before.

Tonight is the ProTeach banquet. Everybody gets to meet Katie, who has been known up until now as my "imaginary girlfriend" because she's never met anybody in my program. Tonight she gets to overload. As the token cool vegetarians (along with *Lauren) we are being served Vegetable Wellington. I've never heard of that, but I'm crossing my fingers. At least the company will be good.

We saw The Matrix: Reloaded Thursday night. Katie loved it, and I'm happy for her. I thought the special effects were amazing, especially the car chase, but that the dialogue was cheesy. Why did they interrupt such great action to show two people drably spouting perudo-philosophical dialogue that's just begging to be torn apart by three shadowy puppets in the front row? Oh well. I complain but I'm glad we went to see it. Neo fighting 100 Agent Smith's is something you've got to experience.

That's all for now. I hope everyone's having a good weekend. You know I'll keep you updated on my moods.

Posted 8:05 PM by Ben
Feeling a bit better now. I was sluggish walking around today and didn't feel good during class but I do feel less troubled now. It's a start.

I really don't want to turn this blog into a pity party but a) I want to be honest about how I'm feeling, no matter how much it bores you, and b) Given that I think things to death, I can usually get some good insight out of sadness.

I can't think of any right now, though. I'm such a tease.

Posted 5:30 PM by Ben
Still feeling bleh, but for different reasons. They're scary reasons but I won't go into them here.

It's been an okay day. I pumped out thirteen cover letters, copied more resumes at Kinko's, bought envelopes, stuffed the envlopes, filled them out with addresses, and sent them out at the post office. Now it's up to the schools to recognize my greatness and hire me as a teacher for next year. I figure the calls should start coming in within the hour.

Otherwise quite bleh. It really is a crappy feeling.

Posted 8:51 PM by Ben
Not sure why but I'm feeling sad tonight. I can't think of a single good reason for it. I had a nice walk this morning with my sister, our group presentation went well in class, and Katie sent me an e-mail that made me smile. But now I feel tense and I'm all hunched up like I'm waiting for somebody to give me a hard time about something.

I noticed it at dinner tonight. I went to Jenny's apartment, where she and her boyfriend Elliot cooked vegetables, pasta, and chicken and generously let me in on the deal. I felt like I couldn't get comfortable -- I just sat there stiffly with no real expression on my face. I was afraid to make any move or say any word that might be construed as weird.

On a different level I felt incredibly comfortable. These are two nice people living and cooking in a happy apartment. Jenny's been my close friend since I got to college five years ago. I felt free to say whatever I wanted, so on one level I shared some old memories and observations that don't normally come out with anyone, and on another level I was shaking and paranoid that I had some sauce on my face.

Can't explain it. Still, however I reacted, it was nice to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere and people who clearly cared about my happiness.

Katie comes up this weekend. If I'm smart I'll forget about all the homework I have and just bask in her presence. It makes me feel better than anything else in the world. I can't wait.

Posted 5:52 PM by Ben
A strange life lesson:

I was talking to my friend Jenny today and I started complaining about the go-getters in life and how they seem to accomplish so much more than us laid-back people do. I started to see their side, though, when I looked at my watch and said, "On the other hand, take my watch. It's made of hundreds of little intricate parts and it actually tells time. Somebody had to design it, figure out the science, build it, market it, sell it. They had to get out into the real world and do those things, not sit around and talk." I was genuinely full of admiration.

A few minutes later I pressed the Indiglo light on my watch (which, to be fair, has been dying for months). The watch started making bizarre squeaking noises and went completely blank. I pressed the light again and the watch started working, only it was 12:00 a.m. on January 1st.

Take that, you worthless go-getting freaks.

Posted 11:40 PM by Ben
A long, varied day. I woke up and walked, as usual (still doing it!). Katie called around 10 and we had a really nice talk, which is still a thrill for me. I went to campus and it immediately started raining on me (and a few other people).

I was finally able to give blood today. Every time I'm on campus the bloodmobile is hidden or my temperature is .1 degree over the limit and I can't donate. Today everything was perfect. I was friendly and un-statue-like with the technicians and I gushed blood like I was happy to get rid of it. I walked out of there with a big smile on my face, even in the rain. That's a rare feeling.

After that the feeling turned to "woozy." I hobbled around campus feeling cranky and light-headed. I tried to do reading at the library but I was just kind of staring at the textbook and turning the page at completely arbitrary times. So I hobbled to the bus and came home. I normally don't have this reaction to giving blood, but it was kind of fun.

Dinner at Chili's with my sister Carin and neighbor Jessica was workmanlike but filling and fun. That's Chili's.

I had a group meeting at 9 and got completely drenched walking to my friend's apartment. I saw my groupmate Erin park, so I stood in the rain so we could walk to the apartment together. Then I started wondering if it was her. So I'm torn between abandoning a friend in the rain, or being some creepy stranger hovering in the dark rain while a girl gets out of her car.

It's such a strange dance we males do. My best friend Evan and I are afraid of walking behind a girl in a secluded area because we don't want to scare her. The solution is, of course, don't attack her and everything will work out just fine. But I hate making anybody feel uncomfortable. I just like to stay unnoticed and then complain later about how nobody notices me.

I got stuck trying to get out of the parking lot after our meeting. Some schmuck parked perpendicular to me, next to the median. My classmate Iris generously got out of her car and directed me out of the parking space. Not sure what I would have done if I was stuck there by myself. Learn to gauge these things better?

Have a bloody good night, everyone :).

Posted 10:45 PM by Ben
So I tried to be a good capitalist today and I failed miserably. I used to write reviews for a site called Epinions.com, where they pay a penny every time a member reads one of your reviews. Today, the brainstorm: I should copy all of my CosmicBen reviews to Epinions and make a nice haul of pennies.

The commies on Epinions didn't take kindly to that. Within minutes of copying twenty reviews I started getting nasty comments. One was a helpful critique of my style: "Personally, I think that the best reviews are ones where you describe what the album meant to you, instead of a mere description of its contents." This was on my review of a ZZ Top album.

What am I supposed to say? I feel like it's three guys with beards playing boogie-woogie music. I feel like I wasted my money on it. I feel like there's not much more I can feel about ZZ Top. But I'll work on it. I want to be sensitive, I really do.

Then: "Most Epinions.com members don't take kindly to new members who flood the new reviews section with twenty-plus reviews at a time." I apologized and felt bad. Then, still more: "There is nothing more annoying that seeing a ton of reviews coming in, and I usually just ignore them. So I guess the keyword here is 'tact.' Good luck."

I felt like I'd entered Bizarro world. Back in the real world my reviews are mostly seen as fun, quirky, enjoyable. In the world of Epinions they got a lukewarm response at best and threats at worst. Yes, I'd inadvertantly flooded their site. But I didn't mean to. Who is so anal as to write snide comments before even trying to be friendly?

I've spent four years refining my reviewing style and I honestly think I've gotten better since 1999. For some reason, though, my new style doesn't fly on Epinions. Maybe I should learn from that. But I think they're just a bunch of communist weenies.

I'm watching The Mexican right now. It's not a great movie but it's become one of my favorites. It's full of cute little moments and conversations about love, mostly between Julia Roberts and the brilliant James Gandolfini. Roberts is at her most personable, at least from the movies I've seen.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt isn't a comic genius but he's likeable and funny in all of his scenes. It's three big-name actors have a great time making a movie, and the depiction of the loving, dysfunctional relationship between Roberts and Pitt is nuanced and frighteningly realistic.

"When two people love each other, I mean really, really love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

"Never."

Goodnight, all. Katie, I hope work went well tonight. I love you.

Posted 10:12 PM by Ben
This is a perfect night for listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Incident On 57th St.", also known as the Greatest Song Ever. It's a sweaty summer night in Gainesville and the air conditioning in my apartment is kaput. My windows are open, my fan is blasting, and none of it is helping.

So this song helps me make the best of it. I imagine I am in 1970's New York City, on the third story of a rickety old apartment. There are sirens going off in the distance and I walk out onto the fire escape, listening to the Boss, sweating and dreaming of Puerto Rican Katie (she's actually from Illinois, but that's nice too).

Well, it helps some.

I went swimming in a hotel pool today, as my roommate Jessica rented a hotel room to escape our dreary apartment and invited my sister and I over. It was a refreshing swim but the sun has taken it out of me. I had planned on going tubing on the Itchetucknee River tomorrow but none of my ProTeach friends can go. Curses.

So I have nothing good to report, but I feel good anyway. The healing powers of Bruce, maybe. Have a good air conditioned night, everybody.

Music: See above.
Mood: See above.
Usefulness of these addendums: Eh.

Posted 6:59 PM by Ben
This is a straight weekend narrative but it was a great weekend and I want to preserve it. Katie came up Friday afternoon and immediately made my life better for it. It just felt so good seeing her, and the weekend didn't disappoint: we got along as well as we ever have.

It wasn't the most glamorous weekend, as we are both broke, but we were able to rent X-Men, make an amazing veggie-and-tofu stir fry, talk, hug, and trek across a really hot parking lot. For all of the quietness, it energizes me like nothing else.

Today was awesome too. Katie, on her way back home, dropped me at Lake Wauburg, a gigantic lake owned by the University of Florida. I met up with my PROTEACH peeps there and ate lunch with them in a pavillion by the lake. They had burgers and hot dogs, and I had potato chips and cookies. The tough life of a vegetarian.

Then I went kayaking. I was scared out of my mind because I've never been kayaking before and there are apparently alligators in this lake. I got into the kayak and immediately fell out, shouting a loud, awkward "JESUS CHRIST!" as I hit the water.

Luckily I didn't fall out in the middle of the lake. I tried catching up with the rest of my friends, who were congregating in the middle of the lake, but I was huffing and puffing, going sideways, taking forever. You'd think the paddling thing would be easy but not for me.

Finally I reached them and latched onto their little convoy. After I broke away they accidentally ran into me with a catamaran. Somehow I avoided falling into the water and screaming like a little girl. Pure luck.

Kayaking, if you've never tried it, is a blast. I finally built up a real stride with the paddles and travelled all around the lake, finally ending up at the shore with one foot asleep. Every two seconds I wondered to myself: how did I end up in the middle of a lake with this shaky little boat? But I did it.

We threw the football around and then started a game of whiffle-ball baseball. I was pitcher and I stank up the joint. It got to where I was happy when people hit home runs off of me, because at least it meant I'd thrown it over the plate. But there was no pressure to be good (thank God) because I was with such nice people. That makes all the difference.

I hope everyone else has had a great weekend, whatever you've done. Thanks for coming to see me, Katie. I can't describe how much it means to me.

Posted 12:00 AM by Ben
From the Reasons I Need A Cel Phone file, Case #842:

All of my PROTEACH buddies went out to Grog House tonight to celebrate Regine's birthday. I waffled about it, anticipating being tired and perpetually scared of going to clubs. Alex called me and bugged me because he didn't want to be the only guy in the group. I said I'd go. Minutes later, in classic Ben fashion, I called back and renegged on the deal.

Then Erica called me from Alex's car and harassed me about going. I said I was tired and didn't have any non-wrinkled clothes. She yelled at me a bit and I said I'd think about it.

Then Heidi called from the same car. I felt really popular by this point -- now I wanted to go but didn't have any shirts worth wearing. I wished them a good time and hung up.

Of course, then I waffled in the direction of going. I scrambled to iron a shirt even though I couldn't get any water in the iron. I ended up throwing drops of water on the shirt and doing a terrible job of it. I threw more nice clothes on and ran out the door. A short drive later I was at Grog House. Which was closed.

I walked all around campus looking for a courtesy phone. Outside the library I called all the cel phone numbers I knew, and none of them were on. So I walked back to the car and came home. I'm still here.

I guess it's a good thing that I never get my hopes up about anything anymore. If this had happened in high school, I would have been devastated by now. As it is, I hope they had fun and I know I'll see them soon.

Man, it was still frustrating. If slightly fun.

Posted 9:40 PM by Ben
I'm really glad Evan came up this weekend, even if just for a day. He's been my best friend for six years and I still get scared that one day we will just have nothing to talk about. Despite some stretches where we haven't been able to talk much, that's never happened.

He's made a whole life for himself in Orlando while I've kind of puttered along in Gainesville. That life includes some close friends that I know have been great to him. So I'm that much more thankful that we still have the same vibe and that we can still confide in each other.

I have fears that one day my horribly inappropriate jokes won't be funny anymore, or that conversation about old friends and past experiences will seem kind of pathetic to him. That's certainly not a crime, because moving on is a healthy and natural thing. So the moments where he confides a problem to me or genuinely laughs at my depraved humor reassure me that the friendship means something to him too. I know he'd think this was absurd but they're my fears and I'm sticking to 'em.

We ate at the Mellow Mushroom today after being completely ignored at Denny's (besides, who needs to pay six dollars for pancakes?). We jointly ordered garlic bread and, true to form, I ate 90% of it. The Wesley Snipes/Robert DeNiro vehice The Fan was on TV and we discussed how awkward the interactions are in the movie, and why we find that scarier than the knives and stalkers and kidnapping that make up the rest of the plot.

A fun weekend.

And as long as I'm being wistful and sad, I miss Katie a whole lot.

Music: Stevie Wonder, "Ebony Eyes"
Mood: Strangely thoughtful
Current mood regarding Cocoa Puffs: Cuckoo

Posted 9:58 AM by Ben
Last night was fun. My best friend Evan drove up from Orlando and hung out with my sister and I. We went to the Olive Garden at 4:30 and ate dinner with the senior citizens. We talked in the living room for a while, reliving old in-jokes and listening to Evan tell stories about the "web of lies" he spins with his friends and family.

Then to the Reitz Union on the UF campus for some pool -- I won two out of three games, but none of us played very well. As usual, two games were lost by prematurely sinking the 8-ball before anybody could legitimately win them. I still sank some nice shots by accident.

On to Steak 'n' Shake, where they weren't serving $^%^%^ breakfast, so I got a big plate of fries and mooched Evan's too. Not an exciting night, but how often do I get to hang out with two people who mean so much to me? I guess you can't really answer that. Well, not very often.

Katie is going through something right now and wants me to be there for her........and I will, because she means everything to me, and that's what I'm here for.....but at the same time I am very confused about where we are right now. I am so scared of ending up in an endless cycle of dysfunction because we can do so much better than that.

It's probably not my right to post this but I'm trying to be as vague as possible while still being honest about the questions I have right now. Who is she? Who will I be in the future? What is fair to accept from a relationship? What do two people owe each other when they say they are in a relationship together? How strong do you have to be as a couple to survive each other's quirks and foibles, to survive endless afternoons with each other for decades and decades? Where are the couples who are still passionately in love after so many years together? And what is the chance that we will be that couple?

I am so scared right now. I love her so much but I am more afraid for the future than I have ever been. I usually bug her because she worries so much about the future, but I guess it's hit me now too, even though I worry about different aspects of it than she does.

I had a nice talk with my friend Jenny yesterday. She expressed a wish for something I've always wanted too -- for some all-knowing judge to follow us around and tell us what is right and wrong, what is fair and unfair, who is right in an argument and who is being a jerk. I have so many questions -- not about what I like, because I know what makes me happy and unhappy -- but about what is fair in life and in my relationship.

One of the first rules of relationships is that you can't barge in and do whatever you want, or get whatever you want, and that some things will make you unhappy even if they are what is best for the relationship in general. What you like often becomes secondary to what is fair. And that's where I wish the judge would come in, because I am going nuts trying to figure out what is fair to give and expect in return from a relationship. Wish me luck, wish us luck.

Have a good day, everyone.

Posted 8:51 PM by Ben
I had a really nice moment last night. I'd been struggling with a new CD rack I bought, but I finally got it together (with the help of my sister and friend Jessica). It wobbles, but only if I touch it. Anyway, I was putting my CD's on last night, arranging them by artist and chronological order, and listening to some of my favorite music. Stevie Wonder's Innervisions (especially "He's Misstra Know-It-All"), Tom Waits' Closing Time (especially "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You")... I felt tired and kind of sad and I sang along in my scratchiest voice, not caring if my roommates heard me. It was a strange, rare feeling of being connected to the world and just going with the flow. Might be a cliche, but it's a cliche I wish would happen more often.

Today set a new record: a seven-hour class. I need not describe how long it felt.

Had a nice walk/rollerblade with my sister. Watching the Friends season finale now. I am prepared to be really frustrated by the ending. I'm such a tool.

Posted 8:43 PM by Ben
Been a whirlwind few days. Lunch with Julie was fun and a few hours later I went to Katie's graduation from the University of Miami. It lasted two hours and was reasonably bearable, despite the fact that they read off all 900 names along with the requisite speeches and introductions. It was still a thrill seeing Katie walk across the stage and accept her diploma. I got her attention from the upper deck by doing the gator chomp (a big chomping motion with my arms), which is how my parents and Aunt Toby got my attention when I graduated from high school. Five years ago I was about to become a Gator and now Katie is on the threshold.

Two days later we cleared out the room that's been her home for two years. She wasn't at all nostalgic about the room -- it's tiny and surrounded by annoying people -- but I was sad because we've had some great times on the UM campus. I've been visiting her there for three years and while I've sometimes felt out of place there, plenty of other times I've felt part of something cool. And anytime she's with me on the campus, it was an adventure that I didn't want to end. It was weird walking down her hallway for the last time. I didn't feel that way when I left my apartment of two years last month.

For the second year in a row, I found a picture of Mr. T advertising some phone service that somebody had left on the ground at the UM dorms. "Call your mama, fool!" It felt like serendipity (although I can't figure out the purpose) so I kept it.

That afternoon, after saying goodbye to my parents, I took the bus back up to Gainesville. In West Palm Beach my friend Regine (a fellow future teacher) boarded and sat next to me. It was great having a friend to talk to on the long ride.

Today was my first class, and all we did was watch a video and talk about it. I went to dinner at Chili's with more future teachers, and now here I am. What does this summer have in store for me? More long-winded blog entries? Count on it!

Posted 8:40 AM by Ben
I had a really fun night last night. I went over to Katie's and took her to Whip-n-Dip for ice cream. Because of my latest wacky diet I didn't have any ice cream but she really enjoyed her mint chip. We're gonna miss that when we move to Gainesville. Anyway, we talked about important Future things and I'm glad we got some stuff out in the open. No details, though. Nosy.

Then out of nowhere I decided to give my old friend Jorge a call. I drove over to his house, which is way out by downtown, and we watched some TV and talked about how life's been going for both of us. He's in investment banking now and plays with millions of dollars belonging to South American investors (yes, that brings an image to my mind too but I don't want to assume anything). Then we cruised around in his new Nissan, through Coconut Grove and South Beach.

It was cool seeing Miami again. I'm usually too scared to drive to those places but he is fearless and the experience was fun. True to form, we were able to joke around like old times and talk about important things too -- something that isn't always easy to do with friends from middle school that you haven't seen in a year and a half. So I'm really glad I went over.

Today I am having lunch with my old friend Julie, which should be nice. And then -- Katie graduates from UM after four years. I'm so proud of her and can't wait to be there for her special moment.

Okay, this wasn't too entertaining but my life is good and you should care about it. No punchlines for you today. But have a good one anyway.

Posted 10:23 AM by Ben
I feel weird. This exercise thing was supposed to energize me and make my life better but all I've felt lately is tired. I know that walking at 4 p.m. during summer in Miami would take it out of anybody but it feels like I've been wearily limping around for days. I don't even walk that fast! Not only that, but waking up at 7 a.m. completely wears me out by mid-afternoon.

Is this just the first phase, after which I become a human dynamo? Or is it the inevitable beginning of adult life, in which I am always tired? I'm scared for my personality -- I've never been too upbeat but I think I'm a friendly guy and maybe that's just because I'm never too tired or stressed out.

What happens when I wake up early, work all day, AND exercise? Who will I become? Will I grumble a lot? Will I snap at people? I really, really, really don't want to be that guy. That guy would serve no purpose except to bring down the people around him. I can't be him.

Time will tell, I guess. I'll keep exercising and get used to waking up early and still try to keep a positive attitude about things.

This sounds too serious. It's just that I've been floating around in a hazy, jumpy, tired state for the past few days, not the confident, tall-walking cool state I was hoping to be in. I'll keep you updated on where it goes.

Posted 10:10 AM by Ben
Sorry there haven't been many updates lately. I've been doing the same schtick, walking four miles a day, seeing Katie, and actually working a little, doing errands for a lady my mom knows and helping her son with schoolwork. Just haven't had much interesting to share. I'll try to change that soon.

Posted 10:36 PM by Ben
Some of my favorite blog joints:

My good friend Will, curator of the Disclaimer Music Review Archive:
http://www.disclaimerband.com/journal.html

My best friend Evan, who works at a porn store and describes it in captivating detail:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/geckoboy/

Rich, who has a lot of fun observations about middle-class life:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/taosterman/

Vanessa, always good for a warm-but-kickass-indie perspective on things:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/raptorgirl/

Carin, my sister and a mighty cool person.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ginblossomgirl/

Okay, so I was reading a book on ethics today (part of a fun few hours spent at Borders with Katie) by the guy who writes the ethics column for the New York Times Magazine. He was right on the money most of the time, fielding questions and choosing the perspective that is fairest for all parties involved.

Then he tackled the issue of schmucks who lean back their seats on planes and buses. Said that while it's a good idea to be courteous of the person sitting behind you, it's not an obligation. If you want to smash their legs to get some extra room for yourself, lean away because the seats should have been bigger to begin with.

Nuh-uh. Speaking as the tall guy who wedges himself into a bus seat every few weeks to visit Katie, I am here to say that it is absolultely imperative that you respect my long legs. I barely have enough space to begin with. And now you want *more* so I can have less? How is that at all fair? Bad form, ethics guy.

The bus is a delicate balance of seats, where all riders are given the exact same amount of space regardless of race, creed, or annoying cel phone ring. By leaning your seat back, you are disrupting that balance and throwing the entire bus into chaos. Before you know it, the bus will shake and that weird glop in the toilet will rise up and cover everyone. Just bad things for all involved, I promise.

How to avoid this? Be happy with the meagre space the bus company gave you, and don't steal any of mine.

I'm off to a bitter, bitter sleep now. Have a good night, everyone. Katie, good luck at work.

Posted 9:32 PM by Ben
Kind of the same day this time around. Four miles walked, legs ache, spent a great afternoon with Katie, didn't do much else.

So nothing to say, but I still do this better than Will.

Posted 9:37 PM by Ben
I'm not sure why I thought exercise would energize me. Four miles walked today, and since then I've been limping around with blistered feet and aching legs. I'm still glad I got out there but it really sidelined me for the rest of the day.

I've never seen Citizen Kane, but I've decided that X2 is the greatest movie ever. It doesn't dumb anything down like Spider-Man did and the action is first-rate. Wolverine is a badass. 'Nuff said.

Then Olive Garden for dinner with Katie; the service kind of sucked but the food was great. And now a long night's sleep. No real observations tonight. I hope everybody has a good one. (Will, thanks for the letter)

Posted 10:46 AM by Ben
For those of you who are thrilling along to my self-improvement plan -- or those of you who are waiting for me to fail -- a small update. I set my alarm for seven this morning (across the room) and actually got out of bed to turn it off. I jogged and walked two miles, ate breakfast, and rolled all of the coins I've collected over the last two years ($118.50!!). Later I see X2 with Katie and eat at the Olive Garden, our favorite mom-n-pop eating establishment.

I am really intrigued by the fact that I have to put my alarm across the room so I won't hit it and go back to sleep. Or that when I jog I have to fight the lazy part of my brain that is yelling at my legs to stop. My brain plays tricks on me! Why is that? Shouldn't my brain be one coherent force -- either it wants me to walk or not, right? I feel like it's sneaking around behind my back trying to undermine my efforts. Shifty bastard.

PS Between writing the above and uploading, I walked another two miles with my mom. She generously listened to my self-help spiel, which is sure to get annoying soon. Whatever -- I just have to internalize it and keep going.

Posted 11:35 PM by Ben
Walked this afternoon too, so I feel good. I had to, given that I predictably cleaned out Sweet Tomatoes. It was fun and I got to talk a bunch with my Bubby and cousin Jon. We also saw Waiting For Guffman, which is a hilarious movie. I might see A Mighty Wind tomorrow with Katie, with whom I spent a nice afternoon today. Get all that straight?

Still feeling inspired. Still feeling energized. Still want to make a difference in the world and be noticed by people and smile a lot more. It's only been a day, but that's longer than this feeling usually lasts. The test comes tomorrow when my alarm goes off at 7 am and yells at me to go walking. Do I obey or tell it to shut up? I'll keep you updated...

Katie, good luck at work. The rest of you, have a good night, whoever you might be.

Posted 8:57 AM by Ben
Feeling Ahnold-esque. I jogged ten minutes this morning and then walked another twenty. Reading about this might get old -- in that case, shut up and be happy for me, dammit.

Off to see my Bubby (grandma) and cousin Jon and eat lunch at Sweet Tomatoes. If you've never heard of Sweet Tomatoes, it's heaven disguised as an all-you-can-eat salad/pizza/pasta/dessert buffet. They don't know what's about to hit them.

To the hard-working pixie: sleep tight. The rest of youse, have a good day and thanks for reading.

Posted 10:36 PM by Ben
Hour six of my new, energetic lifestyle. What have I done? Well, I watched a movie, laid in bed with Katie, ate a sub at Subway. But I did all of it energetically. If that makes sense to you, I'd worry.

In the movie, Kirk Douglas's character reunited with his girlfriend of forty years ago, from before the war, only to lose her in the end. She had a family, a husband, a new life.....eventually he realized that he did too (not a husband, but you know). He spent most of the movie starry-eyed about the past but eventually had to accept that the past was gone.

I think it's fully understandable. The past sparkles through rose-colored glasses and it's enticing to want to believe things would be better if you still knew your old friends, still went to your old school... It's sobering to realize that the present is much more complex than a faded memory: both contain good, both contain bad, but the present is right in front of you and should be embraced wholeheartedly.

Kind of like when I'm in a bad mood and want to retreat into my music. I curl up, listen to a CD, and am immediately transported to all of the memories that I've associated with that CD. Not only that, but the artist honestly seems to understand my problems. The music did not and would not hurt me the way people I know do.

Incredibly, I have to force myself every time to remember that the music doesn't love me either. Like dealing with memories of the past, it takes some thought but I finally realize that the reality of the people around me, warts and all, is always better in the long run than an imaginary refuge.

Thanks to Will for the great letter and to Katie for the closeness.

Posted 4:04 PM by Ben
Just got back from my second two-mile walk of the day. It was intense. Imagine a six-foot-something guy hobbling around on flat feet, barking motivational orders to himself and sweating like crazy. Or maybe you don't want to.

Two walks today. One of them started with a ten-minute jog, something I have now only done three times in my life. It all fits in with what I was barking to myself -- I am TIRED TIRED TIRED of being weak, of being scared, of being a non-person. I sweated more today about making a goddamn phone call regarding a job than I did walking around my neighborhood at three in the afternoon. I'm sick of being scared to be myself around people. I'm mad at myself for wasting the last five weeks instead of finding SOMETHING worthwhile to do, even if it wasn't school or a job.

Exercise counts. Writing counts. As long as it's something. I want to work out. I want to be strong physically and emotionally. Lately I've felt like I'm not even here, like I'm not a person. I float through life and barely make an impression on anybody. I am sick of that.

I walked this afternoon and yelled at myself, "Get out and do something! Stop being weak. Stop being a non-person. View life as a challenge and do your best!" Wishful thinking? Motivational mumbo-jumbo? Weird guy talking to himself? Maybe, but only I can turn it into a reality. In between barks, I would look up in the sky at.....somebody.....and say, "Please help me go through with this. Please don't let this into a momentary epiphany that dies the first time I feel like sleeping in until noon."

I hope I can do this. It's been a few years since I really made a life change. When I turned twenty I wanted to become a better person. Since then I've become a vegetarian/liberal/teacher-in-training and I'm quite happy with how it's worked out. Now I want to make myself a more substantive person. Wish me luck.

Posted 9:20 PM by Ben
Living up to my own cliche and eating a brownie. Thanks, Katie. You had to make them so good.

I was watching a Holocaust movie before with my mom. "Rememberance Of Love" with Kirk Douglas. The same as any Holocaust movie, but it's good. I love the insight into how Israel works. It's so different over there, but at the same time I was told in Hebrew School that we were all kind of the same. So lately I've been fascinated with the similarities and differences between life for Jews in America and Israel. They probably think we're a bunch of pale weenies over here. Then again, Katie thinks my Miami tan looks a little dark and swarthy. Maybe I should head over there one day and commune with my swarthy brethren. On the other hand, I say I should go lots of places and meanwhile haven't left Florida in about three years. Sigh.

Music: Weezer, "Across The (Dead) Sea"

Posted 6:19 PM by Ben
Another day chock full of.....nothing. I sat in Katie's bed all day and looked up Motown stuff on the internet. Sometimes she was there (in which case we held each other, which was really nice) and sometimes she wasn't (in which case I went to a million internet sites that I know by heart anyway).

Then I went to Outback Steakhouse with my parents. We always worry that because it's a steakhouse and I'm a vegetarian I will somehow starve to death before we leave. One loaf of bread, 3/4 of a bloomin' onion (tm), a big gooey salad and a sweet potato later, we have all been delightfully proven wrong.

Katie's working on school stuff tonight so I'm all alone. Mom wants me to watch a movie with her but I will probably read the same internet sites again.

Posted 8:43 PM by Ben
I'm over at Katie's now and life is good. We might get ice cream soon because she is experiencing a craving. Why am I writing this? Well, I haven't updated in months and I feel I should say something.

I might switch over to Livejournal soon. Will that make it past the Blogspot censors? I feel bad, but there seem to be more people over there. I need to kick the irony up a notch, though.

I'm in Miami and I feel very wasteful. Everybody gets vacations but I feel bad about mine. Soon I will run out of music stores to visit, restaurants to eat at, old letters to read in my room. And then I am just a schlub without a job. I do have a great girlfriend, though. And it's nice seeing my family.

That's all for now. One day I will make this thing public and then people will actually read it.

Posted 11:59 AM by Ben
Three hours spent working on homework this morning. At least it was more relaxing than doing it at night. Everybody is going to hate me because I didn't have to go to my internship class this morning. I hope that is okay. I will be going on Thursday and Friday just like everybody else. All it did today was give me extra homework time.

One of my friends wrote a long, drunken rant on his webpage. He thinks it's embarassing but I thought it was brilliant. I've never been able to achieve that kind of honesty as a writer. Maybe I need to get drunk in order to be honest and let all my true feelings out. Do I even have true feelings? I've never really been sure.

Bob Dylan's "Blonde On Blonde" is good but all the songs are very samey. Maybe I need to listen more.

Posted 9:54 PM by Ben
Today was a 7 1/2 hour drive from Miami to Gainesville, so I'm tired. I sat in traffic for 30 minutes because they wouldn't waive the $2.00 turnpike toll north of Orlando like they usually do. I did run into my best friend and his mom at one of the plazas, which was nice.

Did I learn anything this weekend? I guess I learned (or further confirmed) the value of being around people I care about and who care about me. Not many of those people in Gainesville. That's my own fault but I still appreciated the holiday.

Two assignments down, three to go. If anyone is keeping track, that's the three big ones.

I really enjoyed the BB assignment this week (about our favorite teachers). I should write an essay about Mr. Tuohy.

I haven't listened to any cool indie music lately so there's not much to recommend. I made Big Star my BB avatar so I might as well recommend #1 Record / Radio City. Really happy sad music.

Posted 8:35 PM by Ben
My sister forced my mom to watch Lord of the Rings today, and I sat in on it. It loses some power on DVD, just from being on the smaller screen, but it's still a heck of a movie. My mom thinks I should have read the book before I watched it, and while I'm sure the book is brilliant I maintain that I would have hated the movie if I'd read the book first. That might not be true for everybody but it's how my mind works. A great book can make a great movie seem very chintzy and predictable. Whereas, I don't think the movie can ruin the book, because the book has so much more to offer (generally).

This will all be tested when I start my new Band of Brothers DVD (my Hanukkah present). I've read the book but never seen the movie. Here's hoping it's good...

My stomach still hurts from last night. But it was worth it.

Posted 6:54 PM by Ben
Dr. Pace presented some interesting things in class today but it was all wasted on me. My brain is already on Thanksgiving break. No offense to anybody. It wouldn't make sense to cancel class on the Monday before Thanksgiving, but the idea certainly would have appealed to me today. I do like how Allan gave us a very clear rundown of the events of the next few weeks.

Since Iris was out of town, I taught by myself in Mrs. Geiszler's class on Friday. I think it went really well. I had the kids write the end of A Doll's House in groups, and then present their endings to the class. Then we read the last five pages -- two kids stood in front of the class and read the parts. Then we discussed what happened at the end of the play. Two questions were asked after the bell rang! That was a passive sentence. Oh well. I was really happy with how the day went.

One more class, but surprisingly, a lot of things to do until I can go home. Like complain. I really dig complaining. Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted 5:49 PM by Ben
You want blogs, I'll give you blogs. Hmm.

The "high school thing" is getting better. Iris and I started teaching last Thursday and we've taught two lessons since then. We're doing Ibsen's "A Doll's House" (as opposed to my "A Doll's House"?) and while we can't take credit for the students liking the play, they do seem to. I think we have made it interesting too. We put them in groups and have them explore different characters -- today we had them do pantomime to wake them up a bit on a Monday morning. I hope they like it. They're nice kids.

I bilked the Florida Department of Transportation out of $12.40 this weekend. No, I didn't break through the toll both arm thingee. I took I-95 and it made all the difference. FDOT still got me for about $18 but I'm slowly chipping away at them.

That's all for now. If I'm smart, I'll update tomorrow. But I'm probably not that smart.

Posted 11:28 PM by Ben
I hope everybody enjoyed my invisible update last week.

It's Sunday night, there is no school tomorrow, and I am hard at work. On this blog, on the discussion board, on my Electronic Portfolio. I haven't even started writing my language exploration project yet! Oy vey. It certainly is nice having no school tomorrow, though.

I want I want I want the Band of Brothers DVD. I just read the book. I didn't watch the show on HBO. It looks like it is right up my alley. It is also 90 dollars. I want it. My girlfriend calls that kind of thing "WWII Porn" -- fine by me...

As stated on the discussion board (a few minutes ago -- haven't you read it yet?), I am not getting much out of this high school thing. Then again, I am not putting much into it. We'll see which side gives.

I'm tired, so that's all for now.

Posted 10:34 PM by Ben
Time for some more unrestricted bitching (I think it's what I do best). This semester should be over now. It's not that I am in a hurry to get to my internship, or even the teaching portion of my practicum, but I feel like I've done fall semester. It's done. Everything from here on out will seem like a repeat. I'm pretty sure I've worked more hours than this, balanced more responsibilities, done more homework and reading.... But some mysterious force is wiping my brain clean by Monday afternoon of any given week, so this doesn't bode well for the rest of the semester.

My Davy Crockett DVD came in the mail over the weekend. I've already watched the first three episodes and they make me all giddy. I rationalize it as such: over the past few years, I have seen so many of my old idols and beliefs destroyed (beginning to hate politicians, judging my heroes by what kind of people they are instead of how well they can throw a football or play a guitar, watching Israeli soldiers -- Jewish kids just like me, to some extent -- shoot Palestinians left and right) so I need to sit back once in a while and cheer on someone like Davy Crockett as he fights Indians and Mexicans. Doesn't matter if it's whitewashed history or if the editing is terrible. I watch it with no irony or cycnicism, just a brief return to the innocence of the past (if that's possible). Tomorrow I'll make fun of something again.

No musical recommendations this week. I'd only embrarass myself by mentioning the stuff I've been enjoying this week.

Posted 10:08 PM by Ben
So Westwood Middle School was a success (Erin and I think so, anyway -- I'm not sure about Mr. Fitzpatrick). We taught lessons every day last week and except for one disastrous day we did great. The kids seemed to like us, and I got two hugs on our last day (one was sarcastic, and we had just given everyone candy, and I know I have to watch out for hugging, but it was still a nice feeling).

Tomorrow is Bucholz High School with Iris, and again I'm not sure what to expect. I suppose that's understandable, since I've never been there before. I do appreciate some observing time, though.

Last week exhausted me. I know, the world's smallest violin is playing somewhere just for me right now. But by Kate's class on Thursday, I was sleeping with my eyes open. I wonder how much that was reflected in my teaching. I just know that sleeping Friday night was an incredible feeling.

I'm 22 now and that's kind of scary. It's the first "irrelevant" adult age.....the first of many, I guess. Woo, I'm 22.

I'm not going to mention that this Andrew WK album is a lot of fun. I might lose credibility. So let's pretend I'm listening to the Monkees instead.

Posted 9:10 PM by Ben
We have a lot of homework in this program. I know nobody reading this could possibly have any direct influence on Proteach policy, so it's probably pointless to complain. But I'm tired and I know most other Proteachers are too.

I have to teach tomorrow in Mr. Fitzpatrick's class and I haven't even pondered the lesson yet. I hope Erin has some great ideas because nothing's crossed my mind yet.

I thought my teaching went really well last week, though. We taught two lessons and they were both discussions (am I falling into a stylistic rut already?) and the kids seemed to be really interested. We need to do something more visual next week, though. Cripes, next week is in twelve hours. I need to brainstorm.

All this and revising my teaching philosophy tonight. Teaching for Dr. Townsend's class and I haven't even started my book yet. Teaching in Kate's class on Thursday. I just finished my narrative map. Now it's on to the bulliten board.

Underhanded recommendation of the week: The Stone Roses' self-titled debut from 1989. One of the best, happiest musical hours you'll ever have. And by "you", I mean the thousands of people reading this.

Posted 7:10 PM by Ben
I start teaching this week in Mr. Fitzpatrick's class. Monday the kids have to finish up animal reports but Tuesday Erin and I are teaching a short story. For all the little "baby" steps I've taken, I've never taught something new to a class of kids. I'm nervous. I just want to be well-prepared (of course, I'm doing the preparing Monday night, as per the whole "living up to my personal cliche" thing).

Something is due in Dr. Pace's class tomorrow and I have no idea what it is. I hope I have an epiphany soon, or Erin returns my call.

Three songs on OK Computer are GREAT, the rest don't do much for me.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'll update later in the week.

Posted 10:43 AM by Ben
My humor is not going over very well in the classroom. I have already traumatized one nice student with a deadpan "joke" that was completely inappropriate, therefore traumatizing myself too. I feel terrible about that.

Then there's this dialogue with Mr. Fitzpatrick:

Girl: "Mr. Fitz, where is the hall pass?"

Mr. Fitzpatrick: "I'll give you a hint. It's in something that starts with P and rhymes with 'modium'."

Ben (cutting in, earnestly): "Bathroom!"

Mr. Fitzpatrick (looking at Ben in disbelief): "BATHROOM?"

Ben (sheepishly): "It was a joke."

Mr. Fitzpatrick: "Ohhhh....."

Okay, so I have this style of deadpan, extra-dry humor that a lot of people seem to like. I tell jokes that don't sound like jokes until you realize I'm saying something that would be completely stupid for any rational person to say. It takes a second but most people get it. Apparently, though, Mr. Fitzpatrick thinks I'm just that stupid.

Posted 10:47 PM by Ben
Another week, another blog post. Hey, I started the practicum this past week! It was a very cool experience. It's late and I don't want to write too much about it, but I am paired up with Mr. Fitzpatrick (Mr. Fitz) at Westwood Middle School and he's the best. Erin and I are going to learn so much from him. We're already going to start teaching some this week. I'm nervous but I think I'll do okay. I have to do this thing called a CaughtYa in front of the class. I think I know everyone's name. Wish me luck, whoever is reading this.

I'm tired and I'm going to respond to a bulliten board post now. The Beach Boys rule.

Posted 10:40 PM by Ben
The friend went away for a week and now he's back. I know I'm not negatively affected by this guy. I know I only have a legitimate room in this apartment because my parents are paying for it. It still bugs me.

Educational stuff... I start my practicum tomorrow. I am nervous but not too nervous, which is a good thing. I'll be paired up with Erin and it'll be nice knowing somebody in my classroom. I get to observe for a while, which is great because I still don't feel ready to teach. I hope this is a legitimate result of the classes I've taken and not a character defect that will never be un-defected.

I've been pouring over Google's usenet archives lately.... I just found a 131-post discussion about the rules of war as applied to World War Two. The posters may have no lives, but they attack each other with the best back-and-forth discourse I've ever seen, arguing tiny little points and gradually (possibly unintentionally) getting closer to an overall truth about the topic. It's geek heaven and it's nice knowing that if I ever have a moral question it has likely been discussed to death on an easily-accessed usenet archive.

Shopping for my practicum was a pain in the butt. If there is ever a shortage of Dockers, I could make a fortune on the black market now.

Lastly, I will just say that Collective Soul are a lot better than most people would think. They're lame, but it's a talented kind of lame and I dig the warm, happy sort-of-rock music.

Posted 11:27 PM by Ben
Another week, another blog update. All of these assignments are getting really hard to remember. Anyway, my classes are going well. While they are hard and very work-intensive (not to mention my new job at Turlington Hall), I am very happy with my teachers. All of them know what they are talking about and are clearly interested in making us better teachers. I appreciate that, having had plenty of mediocre teachers at UF.

Next week I start my practicum -- I'm not sure where yet. I'm not sure where I'll be tutoring yet either. I wish they'd give us more information about this kind of thing! I'm scared of my practicum but I know it will make me a better teacher.

On a final note, who is this guy living in my apartment's common area? I know he used to live here and is friends with two of my roommates. But he's been here for a week. I got back from a walk tonight to find him sitting outside the door because I'd locked it. I almost apologized before I realized that HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE. He's not inconveniencing me, it's just weird.

Posted 9:24 PM by Ben
I have to stop being so scared of not having anything important to say. This is just an experimental blog. I wonder if my teacher has to read every word. I hope not. I'd pity him. Maybe this silly blog can get my writing bug back. Or maybe I never really had a writing bug. Back in senior year of high school, I wrote like five short stories because I didn't want my dad to think I hadn't done anything that day. And I wrote some funny stuff in school. But it really wasn't much. And I got pegged as a "writer". But maybe I never really was a writer. Every couple of months, I write a few paragraph-long reviews for my website. Even those, I'm never too happy with after a while. And I find it impossible to sit down and express my thoughts and feelings -- usually, I can't even figure out what they are except for little snippets that pop up during the day. Guess it's my miniscule attention span. I can usually get one good sentence out of something that happened to me during the day, if I can even remember it. And, as you've seen, it usually starts with "I". So if I ever had a writing bug, I have no idea how to catch it again. Maybe write and write and write? I want to set an ultimatum for myself, where I have to write a certain amount every day. But I hate holding myself to that, because then it will never be fun. How am I supposed to inspire a love of writing in my students if I can't even do it myself? I've already run out of things to say...

Posted 5:55 PM by Ben
This is my first blog post. I've decided to talk about my first day as a Masters student and all of the technology I've been exposed to today. I've actually thought the technology was really cool. I've posted to message boards before, but never one so high-tech. I poked around and was able to make Neil Young my avatar picture, which should scare some people (at least it's not a wav. file). The introduction to Proteach this morning was interesting and informative; I felt quite comfortable there. It sure is a long, hot walk to Norman Hall, though. Anyway, my teachers seem nice and I feel reasonably confident about what my schedule will be like this semester. You know, this is cool. I'm writing kind of uninhibited. I have a journal on my website -- http://members.aol.com/cosmicben/page/index.htm -- but I haven't updated it in almost a year. I always feel intimidated about writing about myself because I feel like I have to make a big point with my post, and sometimes I just want to express myself. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a wonderful new blogship. I don't know what that means. Or maybe I do and I'm just saying that in order to seem detached from a joke that I came up with myself. How unconfident is that? Usually when I tell a joke I'll quickly change the subject, or look away, or mumble "I don't know" right afterwards -- I'm that scared of somebody looking me in the eye and silently implying that my joke wasn't funny. And usually, they're not bad. But I'm still scared. I'm probably writing too much for a class blog project, but I haven't felt this free to write in quite a while and I should go with the feeling. But class is about to end and I have to publish publish publish......I feel like a university professor. Well, bye for now.