Posted 9:37 PM by Ben
I'm not sure why I thought exercise would energize me. Four miles walked today, and since then I've been limping around with blistered feet and aching legs. I'm still glad I got out there but it really sidelined me for the rest of the day.

I've never seen Citizen Kane, but I've decided that X2 is the greatest movie ever. It doesn't dumb anything down like Spider-Man did and the action is first-rate. Wolverine is a badass. 'Nuff said.

Then Olive Garden for dinner with Katie; the service kind of sucked but the food was great. And now a long night's sleep. No real observations tonight. I hope everybody has a good one. (Will, thanks for the letter)

Posted 10:46 AM by Ben
For those of you who are thrilling along to my self-improvement plan -- or those of you who are waiting for me to fail -- a small update. I set my alarm for seven this morning (across the room) and actually got out of bed to turn it off. I jogged and walked two miles, ate breakfast, and rolled all of the coins I've collected over the last two years ($118.50!!). Later I see X2 with Katie and eat at the Olive Garden, our favorite mom-n-pop eating establishment.

I am really intrigued by the fact that I have to put my alarm across the room so I won't hit it and go back to sleep. Or that when I jog I have to fight the lazy part of my brain that is yelling at my legs to stop. My brain plays tricks on me! Why is that? Shouldn't my brain be one coherent force -- either it wants me to walk or not, right? I feel like it's sneaking around behind my back trying to undermine my efforts. Shifty bastard.

PS Between writing the above and uploading, I walked another two miles with my mom. She generously listened to my self-help spiel, which is sure to get annoying soon. Whatever -- I just have to internalize it and keep going.

Posted 11:35 PM by Ben
Walked this afternoon too, so I feel good. I had to, given that I predictably cleaned out Sweet Tomatoes. It was fun and I got to talk a bunch with my Bubby and cousin Jon. We also saw Waiting For Guffman, which is a hilarious movie. I might see A Mighty Wind tomorrow with Katie, with whom I spent a nice afternoon today. Get all that straight?

Still feeling inspired. Still feeling energized. Still want to make a difference in the world and be noticed by people and smile a lot more. It's only been a day, but that's longer than this feeling usually lasts. The test comes tomorrow when my alarm goes off at 7 am and yells at me to go walking. Do I obey or tell it to shut up? I'll keep you updated...

Katie, good luck at work. The rest of you, have a good night, whoever you might be.

Posted 8:57 AM by Ben
Feeling Ahnold-esque. I jogged ten minutes this morning and then walked another twenty. Reading about this might get old -- in that case, shut up and be happy for me, dammit.

Off to see my Bubby (grandma) and cousin Jon and eat lunch at Sweet Tomatoes. If you've never heard of Sweet Tomatoes, it's heaven disguised as an all-you-can-eat salad/pizza/pasta/dessert buffet. They don't know what's about to hit them.

To the hard-working pixie: sleep tight. The rest of youse, have a good day and thanks for reading.

Posted 10:36 PM by Ben
Hour six of my new, energetic lifestyle. What have I done? Well, I watched a movie, laid in bed with Katie, ate a sub at Subway. But I did all of it energetically. If that makes sense to you, I'd worry.

In the movie, Kirk Douglas's character reunited with his girlfriend of forty years ago, from before the war, only to lose her in the end. She had a family, a husband, a new life.....eventually he realized that he did too (not a husband, but you know). He spent most of the movie starry-eyed about the past but eventually had to accept that the past was gone.

I think it's fully understandable. The past sparkles through rose-colored glasses and it's enticing to want to believe things would be better if you still knew your old friends, still went to your old school... It's sobering to realize that the present is much more complex than a faded memory: both contain good, both contain bad, but the present is right in front of you and should be embraced wholeheartedly.

Kind of like when I'm in a bad mood and want to retreat into my music. I curl up, listen to a CD, and am immediately transported to all of the memories that I've associated with that CD. Not only that, but the artist honestly seems to understand my problems. The music did not and would not hurt me the way people I know do.

Incredibly, I have to force myself every time to remember that the music doesn't love me either. Like dealing with memories of the past, it takes some thought but I finally realize that the reality of the people around me, warts and all, is always better in the long run than an imaginary refuge.

Thanks to Will for the great letter and to Katie for the closeness.

Posted 4:04 PM by Ben
Just got back from my second two-mile walk of the day. It was intense. Imagine a six-foot-something guy hobbling around on flat feet, barking motivational orders to himself and sweating like crazy. Or maybe you don't want to.

Two walks today. One of them started with a ten-minute jog, something I have now only done three times in my life. It all fits in with what I was barking to myself -- I am TIRED TIRED TIRED of being weak, of being scared, of being a non-person. I sweated more today about making a goddamn phone call regarding a job than I did walking around my neighborhood at three in the afternoon. I'm sick of being scared to be myself around people. I'm mad at myself for wasting the last five weeks instead of finding SOMETHING worthwhile to do, even if it wasn't school or a job.

Exercise counts. Writing counts. As long as it's something. I want to work out. I want to be strong physically and emotionally. Lately I've felt like I'm not even here, like I'm not a person. I float through life and barely make an impression on anybody. I am sick of that.

I walked this afternoon and yelled at myself, "Get out and do something! Stop being weak. Stop being a non-person. View life as a challenge and do your best!" Wishful thinking? Motivational mumbo-jumbo? Weird guy talking to himself? Maybe, but only I can turn it into a reality. In between barks, I would look up in the sky at.....somebody.....and say, "Please help me go through with this. Please don't let this into a momentary epiphany that dies the first time I feel like sleeping in until noon."

I hope I can do this. It's been a few years since I really made a life change. When I turned twenty I wanted to become a better person. Since then I've become a vegetarian/liberal/teacher-in-training and I'm quite happy with how it's worked out. Now I want to make myself a more substantive person. Wish me luck.

Posted 9:20 PM by Ben
Living up to my own cliche and eating a brownie. Thanks, Katie. You had to make them so good.

I was watching a Holocaust movie before with my mom. "Rememberance Of Love" with Kirk Douglas. The same as any Holocaust movie, but it's good. I love the insight into how Israel works. It's so different over there, but at the same time I was told in Hebrew School that we were all kind of the same. So lately I've been fascinated with the similarities and differences between life for Jews in America and Israel. They probably think we're a bunch of pale weenies over here. Then again, Katie thinks my Miami tan looks a little dark and swarthy. Maybe I should head over there one day and commune with my swarthy brethren. On the other hand, I say I should go lots of places and meanwhile haven't left Florida in about three years. Sigh.

Music: Weezer, "Across The (Dead) Sea"

Posted 6:19 PM by Ben
Another day chock full of.....nothing. I sat in Katie's bed all day and looked up Motown stuff on the internet. Sometimes she was there (in which case we held each other, which was really nice) and sometimes she wasn't (in which case I went to a million internet sites that I know by heart anyway).

Then I went to Outback Steakhouse with my parents. We always worry that because it's a steakhouse and I'm a vegetarian I will somehow starve to death before we leave. One loaf of bread, 3/4 of a bloomin' onion (tm), a big gooey salad and a sweet potato later, we have all been delightfully proven wrong.

Katie's working on school stuff tonight so I'm all alone. Mom wants me to watch a movie with her but I will probably read the same internet sites again.

Posted 8:43 PM by Ben
I'm over at Katie's now and life is good. We might get ice cream soon because she is experiencing a craving. Why am I writing this? Well, I haven't updated in months and I feel I should say something.

I might switch over to Livejournal soon. Will that make it past the Blogspot censors? I feel bad, but there seem to be more people over there. I need to kick the irony up a notch, though.

I'm in Miami and I feel very wasteful. Everybody gets vacations but I feel bad about mine. Soon I will run out of music stores to visit, restaurants to eat at, old letters to read in my room. And then I am just a schlub without a job. I do have a great girlfriend, though. And it's nice seeing my family.

That's all for now. One day I will make this thing public and then people will actually read it.