Posted 12:00 AM by Ben
From the Reasons I Need A Cel Phone file, Case #842:

All of my PROTEACH buddies went out to Grog House tonight to celebrate Regine's birthday. I waffled about it, anticipating being tired and perpetually scared of going to clubs. Alex called me and bugged me because he didn't want to be the only guy in the group. I said I'd go. Minutes later, in classic Ben fashion, I called back and renegged on the deal.

Then Erica called me from Alex's car and harassed me about going. I said I was tired and didn't have any non-wrinkled clothes. She yelled at me a bit and I said I'd think about it.

Then Heidi called from the same car. I felt really popular by this point -- now I wanted to go but didn't have any shirts worth wearing. I wished them a good time and hung up.

Of course, then I waffled in the direction of going. I scrambled to iron a shirt even though I couldn't get any water in the iron. I ended up throwing drops of water on the shirt and doing a terrible job of it. I threw more nice clothes on and ran out the door. A short drive later I was at Grog House. Which was closed.

I walked all around campus looking for a courtesy phone. Outside the library I called all the cel phone numbers I knew, and none of them were on. So I walked back to the car and came home. I'm still here.

I guess it's a good thing that I never get my hopes up about anything anymore. If this had happened in high school, I would have been devastated by now. As it is, I hope they had fun and I know I'll see them soon.

Man, it was still frustrating. If slightly fun.

Posted 9:40 PM by Ben
I'm really glad Evan came up this weekend, even if just for a day. He's been my best friend for six years and I still get scared that one day we will just have nothing to talk about. Despite some stretches where we haven't been able to talk much, that's never happened.

He's made a whole life for himself in Orlando while I've kind of puttered along in Gainesville. That life includes some close friends that I know have been great to him. So I'm that much more thankful that we still have the same vibe and that we can still confide in each other.

I have fears that one day my horribly inappropriate jokes won't be funny anymore, or that conversation about old friends and past experiences will seem kind of pathetic to him. That's certainly not a crime, because moving on is a healthy and natural thing. So the moments where he confides a problem to me or genuinely laughs at my depraved humor reassure me that the friendship means something to him too. I know he'd think this was absurd but they're my fears and I'm sticking to 'em.

We ate at the Mellow Mushroom today after being completely ignored at Denny's (besides, who needs to pay six dollars for pancakes?). We jointly ordered garlic bread and, true to form, I ate 90% of it. The Wesley Snipes/Robert DeNiro vehice The Fan was on TV and we discussed how awkward the interactions are in the movie, and why we find that scarier than the knives and stalkers and kidnapping that make up the rest of the plot.

A fun weekend.

And as long as I'm being wistful and sad, I miss Katie a whole lot.

Music: Stevie Wonder, "Ebony Eyes"
Mood: Strangely thoughtful
Current mood regarding Cocoa Puffs: Cuckoo

Posted 9:58 AM by Ben
Last night was fun. My best friend Evan drove up from Orlando and hung out with my sister and I. We went to the Olive Garden at 4:30 and ate dinner with the senior citizens. We talked in the living room for a while, reliving old in-jokes and listening to Evan tell stories about the "web of lies" he spins with his friends and family.

Then to the Reitz Union on the UF campus for some pool -- I won two out of three games, but none of us played very well. As usual, two games were lost by prematurely sinking the 8-ball before anybody could legitimately win them. I still sank some nice shots by accident.

On to Steak 'n' Shake, where they weren't serving $^%^%^ breakfast, so I got a big plate of fries and mooched Evan's too. Not an exciting night, but how often do I get to hang out with two people who mean so much to me? I guess you can't really answer that. Well, not very often.

Katie is going through something right now and wants me to be there for her........and I will, because she means everything to me, and that's what I'm here for.....but at the same time I am very confused about where we are right now. I am so scared of ending up in an endless cycle of dysfunction because we can do so much better than that.

It's probably not my right to post this but I'm trying to be as vague as possible while still being honest about the questions I have right now. Who is she? Who will I be in the future? What is fair to accept from a relationship? What do two people owe each other when they say they are in a relationship together? How strong do you have to be as a couple to survive each other's quirks and foibles, to survive endless afternoons with each other for decades and decades? Where are the couples who are still passionately in love after so many years together? And what is the chance that we will be that couple?

I am so scared right now. I love her so much but I am more afraid for the future than I have ever been. I usually bug her because she worries so much about the future, but I guess it's hit me now too, even though I worry about different aspects of it than she does.

I had a nice talk with my friend Jenny yesterday. She expressed a wish for something I've always wanted too -- for some all-knowing judge to follow us around and tell us what is right and wrong, what is fair and unfair, who is right in an argument and who is being a jerk. I have so many questions -- not about what I like, because I know what makes me happy and unhappy -- but about what is fair in life and in my relationship.

One of the first rules of relationships is that you can't barge in and do whatever you want, or get whatever you want, and that some things will make you unhappy even if they are what is best for the relationship in general. What you like often becomes secondary to what is fair. And that's where I wish the judge would come in, because I am going nuts trying to figure out what is fair to give and expect in return from a relationship. Wish me luck, wish us luck.

Have a good day, everyone.