Posted 4:24 PM by Ben
For those who'd like an update..............I'm feeling good now! Great, even. Katie is here. I know that shouldn't be the end-all, be-all and I should learn to be happy no matter what. But that's just how I operate for now. I feel relaxed and goofy and there's a smile on my face.

A shout-out to Tricia, who is a great friend and loves chocolate-chip pancakes. Sorry I haven't mentioned you before.

Tonight is the ProTeach banquet. Everybody gets to meet Katie, who has been known up until now as my "imaginary girlfriend" because she's never met anybody in my program. Tonight she gets to overload. As the token cool vegetarians (along with *Lauren) we are being served Vegetable Wellington. I've never heard of that, but I'm crossing my fingers. At least the company will be good.

We saw The Matrix: Reloaded Thursday night. Katie loved it, and I'm happy for her. I thought the special effects were amazing, especially the car chase, but that the dialogue was cheesy. Why did they interrupt such great action to show two people drably spouting perudo-philosophical dialogue that's just begging to be torn apart by three shadowy puppets in the front row? Oh well. I complain but I'm glad we went to see it. Neo fighting 100 Agent Smith's is something you've got to experience.

That's all for now. I hope everyone's having a good weekend. You know I'll keep you updated on my moods.

Posted 8:05 PM by Ben
Feeling a bit better now. I was sluggish walking around today and didn't feel good during class but I do feel less troubled now. It's a start.

I really don't want to turn this blog into a pity party but a) I want to be honest about how I'm feeling, no matter how much it bores you, and b) Given that I think things to death, I can usually get some good insight out of sadness.

I can't think of any right now, though. I'm such a tease.

Posted 5:30 PM by Ben
Still feeling bleh, but for different reasons. They're scary reasons but I won't go into them here.

It's been an okay day. I pumped out thirteen cover letters, copied more resumes at Kinko's, bought envelopes, stuffed the envlopes, filled them out with addresses, and sent them out at the post office. Now it's up to the schools to recognize my greatness and hire me as a teacher for next year. I figure the calls should start coming in within the hour.

Otherwise quite bleh. It really is a crappy feeling.

Posted 8:51 PM by Ben
Not sure why but I'm feeling sad tonight. I can't think of a single good reason for it. I had a nice walk this morning with my sister, our group presentation went well in class, and Katie sent me an e-mail that made me smile. But now I feel tense and I'm all hunched up like I'm waiting for somebody to give me a hard time about something.

I noticed it at dinner tonight. I went to Jenny's apartment, where she and her boyfriend Elliot cooked vegetables, pasta, and chicken and generously let me in on the deal. I felt like I couldn't get comfortable -- I just sat there stiffly with no real expression on my face. I was afraid to make any move or say any word that might be construed as weird.

On a different level I felt incredibly comfortable. These are two nice people living and cooking in a happy apartment. Jenny's been my close friend since I got to college five years ago. I felt free to say whatever I wanted, so on one level I shared some old memories and observations that don't normally come out with anyone, and on another level I was shaking and paranoid that I had some sauce on my face.

Can't explain it. Still, however I reacted, it was nice to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere and people who clearly cared about my happiness.

Katie comes up this weekend. If I'm smart I'll forget about all the homework I have and just bask in her presence. It makes me feel better than anything else in the world. I can't wait.