Posted 6:14 PM by Ben
No job yet, but I won't bring anyone down. It was a good day.

I started my other job, the summer dishwashing thing, this morning. I got trained by the outgoing dishwasher, Rory, who will also be helping me tomorrow. Then I'm on my own. It will be stressful handling all of the dishwashing on my own, but everybody at the restaurant works hard and they're nice enough that I want to fit in. I'm excited about this thing.

This weekend I am travelling to Orlando where I will see Katie and Evan on separate days. I'm looking forward to seeing Katie because, well, it brings me more happiness than anything else in the world. I hope our day together lasts forever. And Evan and I will get to joke around like the old days. He's going to the White Stripes concert Saturday night dressed as Meg (I've never heard their music but I imagine he will be pretty funny to look at in any case).

I spent seven hours today on my feet and I want to collapse. But I might shower and get some Hungry Howie's All-You-Can-Eat. I value Howie Bread more than my own health.

Have a great night, everyone. Thanks for reading.

Posted 9:18 PM by Ben
The latest chapter in the Downer Chronicles...

The job thing (or lack thereof) is still killing my mood. Today should have been a celebration -- my last day of college, ever -- but I was tense and shaky the whole time despite being surrounded by friends and even my own sense of accomplishment.

I think it's the job thing. If it's not, that would be kind of scary. Everything else in my life seems to be going well. Why am I so consistently miserable?

It's been a day of transitions. My last college class, the end of my Master's program. My last day with all of the Proteach gang. We went to Friday's tonight after class and I stared at the table while everyone else drank and joked around.

At one point they were jokingly pressuring me to drink, egging me on good-naturedly... One of them pretended I had already agreed to a drink, and I was so close to screaming that I never said that and I just did not want to have a fucking drink. I guess that would have been the end of the affable, even-tempered facade I (sincerely) affect for them and everyone else. I held back and smiled.

I'm going to miss them. I even got some hugs tonight. Back in my high school youth group I would get depressed if I didn't hug a few girls at each get-together, because that's how the culture was and I was affection-starved. There's no hugging in Proteach, though, because I guess we're all older and more nervous around each other. But the goodbye hugs were appreciated and I'm going to be sad not seeing them every day.

Tomorrow begins my dishwashing job at Ivey's Grill. I hope I'm good enough and don't gum up the system by being slow or clumsy. Other than that I am excited. Manual labor will do me good.

It's been an easy summer semester but I am nonetheless drained. Maybe the workload was harder than I thought. I know I'm missing Katie a lot tonight. It's going to be so much better when she's here with me every day. And I think my job stress will continue until I find something.

Once again, sorry if I brought anyone down. Soon I'll be happy and won't even remember this phase, but for now it stinks. In any case, thanks for reading and have a happy, safe night.

Posted 4:16 PM by Ben
Now it's become less and less funny that I'm nervous about this job thing. I'm sure I'll look back and realize I really overdid the worrying and that it's only been a few weeks but for now it all feels crushingly real. I'm sitting here slightly shaking and just staring at the phone, wishing it would ring. It's really kind of pathetic. I've sent resumes to schools, made follow-up calls, and now I'm going through what seems to be the worst part.

I hate stress. It causes a strange, brief pain in my stomach, not an intense one but unmistakeable nevertheless. It gets me shakey and sad and scared.

I try to avoid stress so meticulously and that's why I hate times like this. I'm not sure if the Ocala principal will want me; he lets me know today or tomorrow. I really want a job in Alachua County, where I will be living next year. But I've been told not to hold out for that. I don't want to be the only person in my program who hasn't found employment. Feh.

Sorry this is such a downer. I try to make this journal an accurate reflection of my feelings and lately, for various reasons, they've all run at around this level.

Posted 2:47 PM by Ben
How bored am I? So bored that I just checked to see if I'd recently updated my own blog. What a surprise, I hadn't.

So bored I jump every time I get an e-mail, even if I know it's junkmail.

Dying for dinnertime to come. Right now I'd settle for early-bird, senior citizen 4:00 dinner. Just an hour and fifteen minutes to go.

No calls yet. My strategy of staring at the phone hasn't worked. Maybe my power just needs time to warm up.

Posted 12:18 PM by Ben
Dear Sir or Madam,

Whilst you have been perusing my Blogulous Blog (tm), perhaps you might also work for a school in Alachua, Marion, or Levy Counties. Perhaps this school might be a "middle school" of some sort. Perhaps you might hold the position of "admini-strator" and have some sway over the process of hiring new teachers.

This indeed would be a fortuitous situation for the both of us. As you might well be aware, I am in the process of trying to find a position as a Language Arts teacher in the aforementioned counties. Despite what you might have previously read about my recent adventure with Captain Morgan's Rum, I believe I am eminently qualified for the position. Any position. Any school. One of those three counties. Doesn't even have to be two counties. One is just fine.

I'm presently in the process of "going nuts" waiting for employers to call me back. I know I will be a great teacher.

HIRE ME!!!!!

Ahem. If you happen to be so inclined, of course.

Many thanks,

Benjamin "Desperate, but not in the pathetic way" Marlin

Posted 7:26 PM by Ben
Okay, I hate drunk stories just as much as you do........and I'm not even drunk.....but I'm something.....and I suppose it's worth recording here. Yeah.

I got home from class, still in a daze from the seemingly unimpressive interview. I decided to make myself a rare drink of Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay Rum and a little pineapple juice. And it was good. And since then I've been woozy. Not drunk. But given my incredibly low tolerance, I'm something.

It felt good flopping around for a while, saying nonsensical things. I could barely move. If Katie were here she'd say I was faking it, but I think that's only half the case.

Anyway, one drink later it's making me sick to even think about alcohol. My stomach feels weird. Back on the wagon for me again. But it was fun.

Posted 11:34 AM by Ben
Today was my first job interview for a teaching position. I think it went okay. It was in Ocala, a 40-minute drive away but that didn't bother me.

I wasn't exactly bubbly and personable. I never am when I meet somebody for the first time. I tried to be professional and friendly but I think that faded into the usual unnoticeable thing that, most of the time, is Ben. He asked me to rate my sense of humor on a 1-10 scale and I said "10"....knowing how I am in awkward situations he must have thought I was nuts.

I tried to be honest while still presenting a good image of myself. I wonder if he even remembers that I was there this morning. Not complaining; I've come to accept the kind of impression I make on people. I'm not wild and crazy. I didn't stick in his mind.

Maybe I'm wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong. He looked at my portfolio for a long time and gave me time to ask him questions. On the other hand, I e-mailed him afterward asking, "Why is ********* a great school to work at?" and I got a one-line response. He doesn't sound too enthusiastic, although it's hard to tell over the computer.

Sometimes I'm a downer just so the final outcome won't seem so bad. I hope that's the case here. Maybe he was really impressed. I know I'm going to be a great teacher but I wish I could sell myself better.