Posted 8:28 PM by Ben
I wiped the fuck out at work today. The day was almost over, and I was returning to the dishroom with an empty silverware rack. The mats were off the floor and I was taking tiny steps. But it didn't work.

My feet flew out from under me and kicked a wine bottle under the Coke dispenser. I landed flat on my back and only nicked my head, thank God. Adding insult to injury, there was water dripping on my face through a crack in the roof.

It was a classic wipe-out; like, if I'm going to fall AND not die in the process, then this is as cool as it could have been. I cracked up, stretched out my aches, and stood up again. As fun as it was, though, I didn't go near that area of the restaurant until I left for the day.

Life has been......better. I'm still trying to get a job but I have stopped worrying about it so much. Life will go on, either way. I can only stress out so many weeks about whether anybody has left a message on my voicemail while I was at work. It was eroding away at my whole life, and I can't go on forever like that.

I've developed an unhealthy bitterness towards the educational system. I don't want to think about the names of principals whom I called repeatedly, sent resumes to, and interviewed with ad nauseum, only to be rejected by all of them. I hate them.

I don't want to hear the words "Levy County" because it has only existed for me as a source of employment opportunities that didn't work out. I'm happy for my friends that have jobs but I don't want to think too much about them being in classrooms while I'm doing.....whatever I'm doing.

The bitterness doesn't consume me and I don't think it affects the other aspects of my life. It's a tiny little thing that comes up when I flash on the name of a principal or hear the local classic rock station talk about how their signal stretches into Levy County. I just don't want to hear about it.

Somehow this has also convinced me that I'm not a good teacher. Through words or body language, I'm doing a great job convincing principals of this "fact". And I'm starting to believe it.

It's been months since my internship and while it wasn't a bed of roses, I know I did some great things there. I really enjoyed a lot of it. And I was incredibly excited about being a teacher. I still am, it's just buried under something else. And it's something that's going to take some time to dig through and make peace with.

Maybe I'll have a job within a week. Maybe I won't teach for a year. Maybe my life will take a bizarre turn and do something I can't even comprehend right now. That's cool!

Katie shows up at 3 a.m. tonight/tomorrow morning. She's driving up after work. Even if I'm comatose, it'll be nice knowing she's next to me. I hope I don't snore too loud, or that she's too tired to notice. As always, though, I'm grateful for her company. Good luck with the drive, pookie.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading, be happy, be safe (whoever you are -- if you're reading this, I like you and wish you well).

Posted 6:38 PM by Ben
Last night was fun. I went to the Mellow Mushroom with Jenny and we talked for a while. I probably monopolized the conversation and whined a lot. For her part, she was a great listener. We found common ground on some of our problems and tried to come up with solutions. It was more productive than most whine-fests I've inflicted on people lately.

Later on, she and my sister Carin and I went to Publix and got some groceries. I was quiet, as I usually am in threes, so they bonded over various trips to Europe. "When you were in Prague, did you stay at--" "The Boathouse?" "Yes! BEST HOSTEL EVER!" I had nothing to contribute, but it was fun to listen to.

Still no job. I was really hoping to be a teacher this year, but maybe I have the rest of my life for that? I will stay afloat, even if I need some help from my parents.....I also might have to dip into my savings. As Jenny pointed out, that's what it's there for.

I promised Katie that she could do grad school without worrying about working too hard on the side. I'm still going to make that happen, even if I don't teach.

So my life isn't going how I'd planned. I know this is just a lesson to learn from. Everybody goes through it. So I hope I slip out of this sadness soon.

Have a good night, everyone.

Posted 10:49 PM by Ben
I'm still a downer and I don't have many interesting things to talk about. That's why I haven't written much lately. Thanks for checking, in any case.

No job yet. Almost all of my Proteach buddies have their own classrooms, and I'm still hanging by the telephone. There's still a good chance I'll be hired, but I'm slowly building myself up for the possibility that I won't.

I'll certainly feel like a failure for a while, even though everyone will reassure me that I'm not. If this summer is any indication, I'll have happy moments but will spend most of my time with a blank expression on my face.

I'll keep my current job or find one that pays a little better. Maybe I'll substitute teach. I might have to borrow money from my parents. I'll do my best to avoid thinking about my old classmates. If I'm nice, I'll think happy thoughts about them.

I'll be living with Katie, so wherever I am I'll have something great to come home to. But there's a big chance that my lack of a real job will consume us. We're not going to starve, I'm not going to become a jerk.......circumstances are just going to be really hard to overcome.

I know we are strong enough people to overcome them, so I hope we do what is necessary. In a way, misery is comfortable. It's something you can easily get stuck in, and we're going to have to fight past it.

I don't want to sound like a tortured soul. I'm certainly not one. I'm healthy and surrounded by nice people who care about me, which in a sense is all I need. I love my dishwashing job and I've had some great talks lately with my parents and sister and friends. Music and good food still makes me giddy.

It's just been a weird summer. I have invested so much time into becoming a teacher and now I might not become one. I place so much importance in being happy in my relationship with Katie, and when we are not happy I just lag through life with a trembling sense of defeat. Combined, those two things overwhelm any sense of happiness I might have.

So you get journal entries like this. I can't figure out if I'm a whiny suburban kid who doesn't realize how good he's got it. Or if I'm an undemanding suburban kid who has built a comfortable, seemingly predictable like for himself and now sees it crumbling down around him. Or if I'm just some guy going through the same troubles that everybody else does at some point, troubles that can cripple me or make me stronger, depending on how I handle them. Time will tell.

Until time tells, though, I'll probably sound a lot like this. I hope you stick with me.